1. A study by Harvard researchers in the journal “Circulation” says that skipping breakfast increases your chance of having a heart attack. *** And, you will die hungry.
2. According to a study by the American Academy of Pediatrics, a child is injured by a falling television every 30 minutes. *** So, kids, when Mom and Dad say “Don’t sit too close to the TV,” they know what they’re talking about.
3. A Senate committee is holding hearings to address fires and other problems on cruise ships. Senator Jay Rockefeller is proposing a Cruise Passenger Protection Act which would, among other things, set up a hotline for passengers to phone in complaints. *** “If your ship has lost power, press ‘1’. If all the toilets are backed up, press ‘2’. If the ship is sinking, press ‘3’...”
4. Taco Bell is taking kid’s meals off the menu because of slow sales. *** I guess there just wasn’t much demand for Gummy Bears in a taco shell.
5. Kate Middleton finally gave birth to a baby boy. *** Apparently there was no truth to the rumors that the child was stuck in the birth canal because he had his grandfather’s ears.
6. Billy Ray Cyrus has called off his divorce proceedings for a second time. *** Gee, the guy can’t decide if he has an achy heart... or a breaky heart...or just irregular palpitations.
7. An audience of Defense Department employees in South Carolina was shocked when Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel described some of the extreme budget cuts that were planned. *** In fact, now the Navy Seals would not have enough funding to actually capture Osama bin Laden; instead, they would just toilet paper his compound. (And under the new guidelines, it would be single-ply.)
8. Hundreds of stingrays washed up on a beach in Mexico. *** Authorities there say they have never seen so many Corvettes in one place.
9. British investigators have confirmed that the fire aboard a Boeing 787 Dreamliner at London’s Heathrow Airport originated in the emergency locator beacon. *** You see, Boeing is going back to basics. On most planes, the locator device sends out a radio call, but on the Dreamliner it sends up a smoke signal.
10. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is urging workers in office buildings to use stairs rather than the elevator. *** Well, now we know the real reason why he outlawed 32-ounce soft drinks—they were too difficult to carry up a staircase.