1. Chipotle Mexican Grill Inc. is under investigation following an outbreak of norovirus at one of the chain’s restaurants in California, and a grand jury has subpoenaed a broad range of company documents. *** They also subpoenaed six burritos, ten soft tacos, a dozen cokes and a side of nachos.
2. Scientists have proudly announced the creation of four new elements that fill spots 113, 115, 117 and 118 on the periodic table, and now they’re in the process of naming them. *** You know, it’s nice to see so much excitement over the creation and naming of something that’s not a Kardashian.
3. North Korea, which has already has the atomic bomb, claims to have tested a hydrogen bomb yesterday. *** They said it had been developed under the leadership of their new head scientist, a Dr. Rodman.
4. The U.S. stock market tanked on the first trading day of the new year, primarily because of problems with China’s manufacturing industry. *** I knew it— those eight year olds are slacking off again!
5. On ABC’s “This Week” Bernie Sanders said there are “more important things to worry about than Bill Clinton’s sex life.” *** Yeah…unless you’re Bill Clinton.
6. On this date in history: 1973 – The British Darts Organisation is founded in North London *** Its members see nothing wrong with a game that involves sharp objects and is usually played in place where everyone is drunk.
7. On this date in history: 1681 – The world’s first recorded boxing match took place between the Duke of Albemarle's butcher and his butler. *** It was a huge mismatch. Besides their fists, the butcher was armed with a meat cleaver and the butler had a tray.
8. On this date in history: 1931 - Thomas Edison submits his last patent application. *** He was trying to make his earlier inventions more user-friendly because he heard stories that it sometimes took up to six people to change a lightbulb.
9. On this date in history: 1939 - The "Superman" comic strip debuts in several daily newspapers. *** Over the years Superman saved the government, he saved Gotham and he saved thousands of innocent people. Too bad he couldn’t save the newspapers.
10. On this date in history: 1887 – The first school of librarianship in the U.S. opens at Columbia University. *** The most popular course is Shushing 101.