1. In Birmingham, Alabama, a U.S. Postal Service worker was caught on video taking packages out of a USPS van and tossing them into a ravine. *** However, in the postal worker’s defense, I want to point out that packages marked “fragile” were tossed gently.
2. Police seized several exotic animals from a home in a Detroit suburb after an aardvark was seen wandering around a back yard. *** So, that would be…a “Yaardvark”? (Groan)
3. According to a global study by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, many American students are “financially illiterate” and can’t even read a paycheck. *** That’s OK. The way the economy is going, they probably won’t ever see one.
4. In the new CBS science fiction series “Extant,” Halle Berry stars as Molly Woods, an astronaut who somehow becomes pregnant during a solo one-year mission in outer space. *** Molly apparently has health insurance through her husband’s job at Hobby Lobby.
5. North Korean President Kim Jong Un recently started walking with a noticeable limp. *** Personally, I think he’s doing that on purpose to draw attention away from his silly haircut.
6. A train carrying large airplane parts partially derailed in Montana, dumping three fuselages down a ravine and almost into the river. *** Sing along: “Pardon me boy, is that the Catastrophic Choo Choo? It jumped off Track Twenty-Nine; Boy, you can bet they’ll get fined…”
7. Jack Kevorkian’s VW Minibus, which he used for several assisted suicides, was recently sold by a Detroit pawn shop. *** I believe it was advertised as “Owned by elderly doctor, only used for one-way trips, fitted with high-performance injection system.”
8. According to a recent Gallup poll, 21% of Americans don’t feel they have enough freedom to choose what to do with their lives. *** The other 79% are fairly satisfied with their freedom to choose—they just don’t like the choices.
9. AMC is spending hundreds of millions of dollars to outfit many of its theaters with La-Z-Boy type reclining chairs. *** They will also provide you with a free Snuggie, a cat to sit on your lap and someone to wake you up at the important parts of the movie.
10. The Golden Gate Bridge board of directors has approved $76 million to construct suicide barriers on the structure. *** Currently, the only deterrent is a sign warning people that suicide is not covered by Obamacare.