1. Scientists at the University of California have finally determined why zebras evolved with stripes; it’s to deter biting flies, which avoid objects that are black and white. *** In fact, a later experiment showed that flies swarmed to the movie “Fifty Shades of Grey.”
2. The governors of Arizona and Nevada are proposing construction of a 290-mile interstate highway linking Phoenix and Las Vegas, although the project would take several years to complete. *** However, a Mexican drug cartel has offered to build a tunnel between the two cities in six months, tops.
3. Vladimir Putin’s divorce from his wife of 30 years has been finalized. *** Actually, they had never actually gotten married; he just annexed her.
4. Sales of diet sodas declined 3% in 2013 as Americans increasingly avoided artificial sweeteners. *** According to financial experts, the only thing we want artificially sweetened is our economic data.
5. Charles H. Keating, Jr., who was at the center of the savings and loan failures in the 1980’s, has died at the age of 90. *** He will be buried in a safety deposit box.
6. The world’s largest Ferris wheel, the 550-foot “High Roller,” has just opened in Las Vegas. *** Unfortunately, it operates like a roulette wheel, so sometimes you have to stay on for dozens of spins before your car stops at the unloading station.
7. North Korea fired more than 100 artillery shells into South Korea’s territorial waters, and the South retaliated by shooting into the waters off North Korea. *** You know things are getting serious when they try to kill each other’s fish.
8. For the fourth year in a row, Justin Beiber won “Fan’s Choice” at Canada’s Juno Music Awards in Winnipeg. *** Yeah, but he’ll be dethroned as soon as they find one hockey player who can sing.
9. Deceased fashion designer L’Wren Scott left all of her worldly belongings to her companion of 13 years, Mick Jagger. *** Alas, her list of assets did not include “satisfaction.”
10. A 1936 Nobel Peace Prize medal has just sold at auction. It was estimated to bring $100,000, but four bidders drove the final bid up to $1.1 million. *** Don’t you think there’s something wrong about bidders fighting for a Peace Prize medal?