1. A Hasselblad camera used in NASA’s fourth moon landing has just sold at auction for nearly $1 million. *** “Houston, we have a profit.”
2. Vladimir Putin has announced that he re-instating a Stalin-era physical fitness program called “Ready for Labor and Defense,” and there is serious talk about actor Steven Seagal being recruited to lead the effort. *** In a tough response, President Obama and the First Lady have launched their own fitness program, “Ready for Veggies,” which will be led by fitness guru Richard Simmons.
3. The Coast Guard has inspected 140 cruise ships and found that many of them had lifeboats that did not meet minimum standards. *** Many of those lifeboats had no breakfast buffet, no shuffleboard and no evening entertainment.
4. Former President Jimmy Carter believes the government is spying on him, so instead of e-mailing messages to foreign leaders he writes the letters and mails them at the post office. *** That walk to the post office also provides good exercise and gives him a chance to show off his protective aluminum foil hat.
5. A three-year-old boy in California survived a three-story fall when a couple moving into a nearby house put a mattress under him after they saw him dangling from a window. *** Unfortunately, it was a “Sleep Number” bed and the kid had to hang on while the couple argued about what number to set.
6. The Playtex company is recalling its Deluxe Double Electric Breast Pump because of the danger of electric shock. *** Wow—if you thought Playtex bras could “lift and separate” …
7. After years of efforts by friends and relatives of forgotten heroes, President Obama awarded 24 Medals of Honor for men who should have received them long ago. *** Unfortunately, the application process involved a government-designed web site.
8. Kevin Trudeau has been sentenced to ten years in prison for his diet book infomercials in which he made fraudulent claims, false promises and lies. *** In imposing sentence, the judge said if Mr. Trudeau wanted to do those things legally he should have been a politician.
9. A family in Portland, Oregon had to call 911 because their 22 pound cat was acting hostile and attacking them. *** OK, so scratch the Jenny Craig diet.
10. A recent study shows that life expectancy varies from country to country, but in every industrialized nation women tend to live 5 to 10 years longer than men. Some experts say that’s because women are better at managing stress. *** Yes, they manage to give it to the men.