1. Cardinal
Angelo Becciu, the head of the Congregation for the Causes of Saints (the Vatican’s
“saint-making” office) has resigned after being indirectly implicated in a
financial scandal. ***
Church authorities became suspicious of a crime and cover-up when the
Cardinal’s nominees for sainthood included Louie the Loanshark, a Vatican
auditor and the local Ferrari dealer.
2. As is
the holiday tradition in our community, workers have begun draping more than
one million Christmas lights over all the storefronts on Main Street.
*** Doing that in September might
seem a bit early, but if the lights don’t turn on when they throw the switch,
it could take months to find which bulb was burned out.
3. In
the wake of the college admission scandals erupting last year, a California
state investigation found that UC Berkeley also improperly admitted dozens of
underqualified, often wealthy students.
*** A university spokesperson declined to comment
on the findings, but said the head of the admissions office would issue a
formal statement as soon as he returns from cruising the Caribbean in his new
yacht.
4. Giuseppe
Fanara, a Sicilian mafia boss serving a life sentence at Italy’s Rebibbia
prison, got in a fight with a guard and bit off the man’s finger. ***
You know, I think those Sicilian mobsters take the term “a knuckle
sandwich” a bit too literally.
5. Michigan’s Marijuana
Regulatory Agency is recalling batches that failed safety tests because of
excessive amounts of yeast and mold. *** Additionally, the agency cautioned consumers
that due to troublesome conditions across the United States even the most potent
strains are unlikely to provide anything close to desired level of euphoria.
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