1. Police were sent to Justin Bieber’s Florida condo after neighbors complained about the noise from a late night party. *** I believe the cops’ first question was, “Are your parents home?”
2. A Florida mother is demanding that Toys R Us stop selling the Walter White action figure (from “Breaking Bad”) because it’s inappropriate for children. *** She’s probably going to get really upset at Baby’s First Meth Lab.
3. In Boston, a time capsule from 1901 has just been opened. It contained a book on foreign relations, newspaper articles and business cards from local politicians…***...along with the official price list for various political favors.
4. With presidential elections two years away, several political experts are suggesting changes to the way we select the vice president. *** I believe the proposed method involves the candidates climbing over the White House fence and racing to the front door.
5. Mark Zuckerberg is donating $25 million to fight Ebola. *** It’s actually a business decision. He realizes there will be serious consequences for Facebook if there’s an outbreak and the virus wipes out large numbers of cats.
6. Michelle Obama’s latest school lunch guidelines limit kids to one pack of ketchup. *** That’s terrible. How are they supposed to bring enough home so mom can fill up the ketchup bottle?
7. The fiancé of Oregon’s governor admitted to previously marrying an immigrant so he could obtain US residency, for which she was paid $5,000. *** Of course, her upcoming marriage to the governor is much different: A lot more money.
8. North Korean president Kim Jong Un disappeared from public view for the past month. *** Which is pretty much what we all want to do after a bad haircut.
9. Vladimir Putin has ordered Russian troops to back away from the Ukraine border. *** In a brilliant move, Ukraine manned the checkpoints with soldiers from West Africa.
10. After last week’s visit of a high ranking North Korean official to South Korea, there has been speculation that the two countries could become trading partners. *** In fact, they’ve already started exchanging gunfire.