1. Teresa Giudice, the star of “Real Housewives,” was found guilty of fraud and has been sentenced to 15 months in prison, while her husband, Joe, was sentenced to 41 months in prison… *** …where he will be somebody’s Pretend Housewife.
2. In Bentonville, Arkansas, Wal-Mart is testing a drive-thru concept where customers can order groceries online and then pick them up without actually going into the store. *** You know, for Wal-Mart shoppers who don’t want to get all dressed up.
3. Two weeks after an intruder ran through the front door of the White House, the head of the Secret Service has resigned. *** She had previously expected to stay in that position for a few more years; she thought she had a lock on it.
4. It was just revealed that the Secret Service had recently allowed President Obama to get on an elevator in Atlanta, Georgia with a civilian security contractor who was carrying a gun and had three criminal convictions. *** The head of the agency admitted the lapse in security, but proudly pointed out that just last week they had prevented the President from riding an elevator with a man who had uncontrollable flatulence.
5. This week Mexican soldiers captured the drug cartel leader known as “El H.” They found him in a small town that attracts tourists and retirees. *** It took a lot of patience to track him down, but the authorities knew that sooner or later he’d get roped into one of those timeshare tours.
6. California has become the first state to ban plastic bags. *** However, it will probably be the last state to ban plastic surgery.
7. As “Gone with the Wind” approaches its 75th anniversary, Warner Bros. studio—distributor of a special DVD box set—says the movie’s portrayal of slavery is dated and inaccurate. *** A company spokesman also admitted that it’s virtually impossible to make a good looking dress out of draperies.
8. Anita Baker’s lawyer is suing the singer for $150,000 for failure to pay for services such as helping get her home repaired and parking cars in front of her mansion to make it look like she was home. *** In response, Ms. Baker has offered to park a new Rolls Royce in front of the lawyer’s house for a few days to make it look like he was paid.
9. A Texas jury has sentenced a medical researcher to 10 years in prison for trying to poison her lover by serving him coffee laced with anti-freeze. *** Actually, he should have known something was up when she referred to the drink as a “Prestone latte.”
10. Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi was denied a U.S. visa ten years ago, but he has now been invited to meet with President Obama at the White House. *** Actually, he was told, “OK, if you can make it from the fence to the front door…”