1. Captain
Dick Stevenson, the bar owner who invented the Sourtoe Cocktail, which is
served with a mummified human toe, has died, and he willed all his toes to the bar. *** Forget
the disgusting drink; the grossest thing is when the bartender pulls out the
box of toes and plays “This little piggy went to market…”
2. Doctors
Beth Malow, Olivia Veatch and Kanika Bagai published an article in “JAMA
Neurology” recommending an end to daylight savings time. *** Carnac the
Magnificent rips open the envelope and reads, “Name three highly educated people
who can’t figure out how to reset their clocks.”
3. A British study
found that a growing number of elderly people in their 90’s are being
hospitalized for using cocaine. *** That’s unbelievable—it’s gotta be really tough to
snort coke with a stiff neck, weak lungs and excessive nose hairs.
4. The FDA has
accused the Dollar Tree of selling unsafe drugs. ***
They also pointed out that buying drugs at the Dollar Tree is like going
to Tuffy Muffler for an organ transplant.
5. Hillary
Clinton is claiming that “many, many, many” people are urging her to run for
president again. *** However, after intense questioning from CNN fact
finders, she admitted that it might only be “many, many.”
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