1. The man who was the voice of Charlie Brown in the animated “Peanuts” TV specials in the 1960’s was arrested for stalking and was ordered to check into a drug treatment center. *** The good news is that the psychiatrist there is a woman named Lucy who only charges 5 cents.
2. This week the Navy conducted the first ship-based launch of an unmanned, computer-controlled aircraft from the deck of the USS George Bush. *** Call me suspicious, but I think the White House intentionally selected the George Bush for the first launch of an aircraft that had no human intelligence onboard.
3. Russian officials have accused a U.S. Embassy employee of trying to recruit spies. *** In hindsight, I guess it was a mistake to advertise a CIA Job Fair in the Moscow newspaper.
4. A recently published report from the United Nations says that eating insects could help fight obesity. *** Except in the United States, where the bugs would be sold at fast food outlets that would deep fry them, smother them with ketchup, serve you an oversized portion, and then ask, “You want fries with that?”
5. In New Jersey, a 75 year old man and a 66 year old woman were arrested for running a drug and prostitution ring at a senior citizen retirement home. *** Now, that’s what I call “assisted living.”
6. In Japan, the Mayor of Osaka says that the so-called “comfort women” who provided sex to Japanese soldiers in World War II were necessary so the soldiers could get some much needed rest. *** You know, the soldiers in France found a much better way to get some rest. It’s called “surrender.”
7. Medical researchers studying ancient skeletons in Germany have concluded that the Roman Empire may have come to an end because of the plague. *** They say it was due to the unfortunate combination of a deadly virus and an early version of Obamacare.
8. Animal lovers are upset that a Mexican restaurant in Tampa, Florida is selling tacos made with lion meat. *** Boy, if you thought your rear end roared after eating regular tacos...
9. Giant snails that can grow to almost 8 inches in length are invading Houston, Texas. *** Actually, they’re just passing through Houston on their way to the Alamo, and one of them was heard saying, “Gee, I hope we’re not late.”
10. In Russia, a convicted murderer escaped from a maximum security prison by digging a hole through the ceiling with a spoon. If captured, he’ll face four additional years behind bars *** and ten demerits from Martha Stewart for improper use of a utensil.