1. The isolated Mashco-Piro Indian tribe in Peru has attempted to make contact with the outside world for only the second time since 2011. *** They were desperate to watch Phil and Kay renew their wedding vows on Duck Dynasty.
2. JetBlue is the latest airline to offer luggage delivery to your final destination, such as your hotel or home. It costs $25 for one bag and $40 for up to ten bags. *** I don’t need all that. How much do I have to pay to just have my luggage show up at the right airport?
3. Private Bradley Manning has been sentenced to 35 years for revealing secret documents. He was afraid he’d be in prison until he died. *** Actually, people like Bradley Manning and Edward Snowden never die; they just leak away.
4. Eighty Republican congressmen are urging their leadership to resist efforts to fund Obamacare, a strategy which would result in a partial shutdown of the government. *** As opposed to the current situation, which is a total shutdown of government.
5. Al-Jazeera, the TV network based in the Middle East, began broadcasting operations the United States this week. The format was similar to American networks... *** ... except their weather radar also tracks the flight path of predator drones.
6. Celebrity Cruises cancelled the remainder of a seven-day Alaskan cruise when one of the propulsion motors failed. *** Passengers who wanted to continue their trip were put ashore and given a dog sled and a team of huskies.
7. Crowds on a Russian beach had to run for their lives when a huge military hovercraft ran up on the shore. *** It was unclear who was at the helm of the errant vessel, but right after the incident Edward Snowden’s asylum was immediately revoked.
8. According to a study published in the International Journal of Manpower, people who have sex more often tend to earn more money. *** Yes, especially if they charge for it.
9. In a recent survey in which they were given a choice of being skinny or free of debt, 72% of Americans chose “Skinny,” while only 28% chose “Debt-free.” *** In real life, however, most people apparently choose “Neither.”
10. Vice President Joe Biden’s son was briefly hospitalized after becoming very disoriented. *** Doctors diagnosed the condition as being entirely hereditary.