1. It’s been five years since the collapse of Lehman Brothers, which precipitated the financial crisis, but according to the Center for Public Integrity, Richard Fuld, Lehman’s CEO at the time, has still not issued any sort of apology. *** Actually, he did try to send out an apology, but the investment banking version of Spellcheck does not recognize the word “sorry.”
2. Apple has just introduced two new iPhones with different price points. *** The model 5C has the lower price, so I assume the “C” stands for “Cheap.” The 5S is more costly, so I assume the “S” stands for “ ‘Spensive.”
3. According to a survey by Insurance.com, 44% of women say they swear in front of their children while driving, while only 30% of men confess to the same behavior. *** Actually, the mens’ number went up to 98% once they were shown a list of all the words that were considered swearing.
4. In spite of some people doubting her accomplishment, long distance swimmer Diana Nyad is adamant that she swam the 110 miles from Cuba without assistance, kept her rest stops within guidelines...***...and maintained her morale throughout the ordeal by smoking good Cuban cigars.
5. According to the United Nations’ second annual World Happiness Report, the United States is the 17th happiest country on earth. *** Although we expect to move up at least two spots if we don’t have to bomb Syria.
6. Pope Francis has spoken out against plans to bomb Syria’s military facilities. And in related news, Syrian rebel fighters briefly captured an historic Christian town. *** I believe it’s called the Vatican.
7. The Department of Health in Washington D.C. is proposing a 24 hour waiting period for tattoos so customers will have time to consider their decision. *** And the tattoo shops will have time to run their designs through Spellcheck.
8. Patients in two New England Hospitals have been warned that they may have been exposed to “mad cow” disease. *** Actually, they should have been concerned when they saw heifers in the ER.
9. A woman in Tennessee stole $5,000 from her boyfriend and hid it in her rectum. *** Now she’s looking for one of those money laundering operations.
10. Scientists say they have discovered vast underground supply of water in the drought stricken country of Kenya. That’s an amazing discovery.*** That’s like finding peace in the Middle East
*** That’s like finding modesty in Hollywood
*** That’s like finding a shy bone in Miley Cyrus
*** That’s like finding accountability in Congress
*** That’s like finding a birth certificate in the White House
*** That’s like finding Anthony Weiner with his zipper up
*** That’s like finding Edward Snowden...anywhere