1. In order to promote more human interaction, Wyoming Catholic College has banned all cell phones as well as computer access to social networking sites. *** Officials there felt all that high tech stuff was getting out of hand when the students started praying by texting God.
2. Scientists say the most effective way to get astronauts to endure a nine-month trip to Mars is to keep them in a state of hibernation until they arrive. *** And then they’ll be awoken by a little green Martian tapping on their window.
3. Fast food workers across the country are striking for a higher wage, although restaurant owners say it would result in increased prices. *** So, when you order a hamburger the server will ask, “Can you afford fries with that?”
4. Fast food workers across the country are striking for a higher wage, although restaurant owners say it would result in increased prices. *** But, don’t worry; President Obama is going to take care of that with legislation he calls “The Affordable Fries Act.”
5. In Sudlersville, Maryland, the military accidentally dropped a practice bomb in the parking lot of Darlene’s Tavern. *** Well, that certainly takes the “Happy” out of Happy Hour.
6. A Long Island man who legally changed his name to Santa Claus has been summoned for jury duty. *** He and the other jurors will need to determine if the defendant is “naughty” or “nice.”
7. John Kerry says the evidence of global warming is “undeniable and alarming.” *** And he said it’s only going to get worse if we don’t stop it by bombing Syria.
8. President Obama wants to attack Syria to halt that government’s use of weapons of mass destruction. *** Of course, the President has his own weapons of mass destruction. They’re called “economic advisors.”
9. Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel was told to sit out the first half of the season opener after NCAA officials found out he had been selling autographs. *** They figure 30 minutes will give him enough time to finish selling a few more and take care of this year’s tuition.
10. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 9 million Americans take prescription pills to sleep better at night. *** Everyone else just avoids reading the news.