1. The FBI has arrested a 20-year-old Ohio man for plotting to attack the U.S. Capitol, but an agency spokesman said the public was not at risk. *** The only time Americans are in danger is when Congress is in session.
2. In order to avoid toilet breaks, traffic officers in the Philippines will be required to wear adult diapers when the Pope visits. *** Actually, the Vatican just asked that the police force be “Depend-able.”
3. At the Detroit Auto Show, Verizon announced its “Verizon Vehicle” program which will provide services similar to On-Star directly to consumers. *** The only drawback is that drivers will occasionally be startled by a voice yelling, “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?”
4. Federal agents in Chicago raided two body donation operations that also involved Detroit. *** Chicago was using the names of the deceased for the voting rolls, and Detroit was going to get the bodies to re-populate the city.
5. The Secret Service has re-assigned four senior officials because of recent security lapses. Also, it was revealed that when an intruder got into the White House last year agents had thought he would be stopped by bushes around the front entrance. *** Apparently the agents didn’t realize the Bushes moved out six years ago.
6. Katy Perry says she cried all day after she found out she would be performing at the Super Bowl. *** And the Detroit Lions cried all day after they found out they wouldn’t.
7. There’s a lot of Internet commentary about the latest McDonald’s commercial, which features photos of signs at many of its restaurants showing community support in times of celebration and tragedy. *** Everyone is amazed they could find that many signs with no spelling errors.
8. A young man tried to smuggle 94 iPhones into China by taping them all over his body, but was apprehended when border guards noticed his “weird walking posture and joint stiffness.” *** You know, he could have gotten away with it if he was 70.
9. North Korea is accusing the U.S. and South Korea of planning an invasion. *** U.S. officials said that’s ridiculous—If we had plans to invade North Korea, Sony would have made a movie about it.
10. An Italian video journalist ran an experiment in which he asked boys 6 to 11 years old to hit a girl, and all the boys refused. *** Smart kids. At that age, the girls can beat them up.