1. House speaker John Boehner told reporters he hates it when critics call him “spineless.” *** He said he prefers “vertebrae-impaired.”
2. Pope Francis has named 23 new Cardinals. *** Well, if he included a couple good pitchers that certainly ought to get St. Louis to the World Series.
3. Nicholas Sparks, author of “The Notebook” and several other romance novels, announced that he and wife of 25 years are separating. *** In his press release he said he will “forever miss her warm and tender skin…her soft, inviting lips...her hot breath …”
4. Two customers at a McDonald’s in Japan found pieces of plastic in their Chicken McNuggets. *** They realized it as soon as they bit into something with flavor.
5. Season six of “Sister Wives,” the reality show about a man with three wives, premiered with a segment involving a marriage therapist. *** I wonder if she charges triple.
6. An 85 year old woman in Waco, Texas has been arrested for using hundreds of neighborhood cats to make fur coats. *** Law enforcement officials became suspicious when they noticed a sharp decline in the number of local cat videos on Facebook.
7. Customs officials say that drug dealers are trying to smuggle Mexican meth into the United States by liquefying it and putting it in cars as washer fluid. *** Border guards have been instructed to stop all cars with happy bugs on the windshield.
8. Kobe Bryant says that European basketball coaches are better than U.S. coaches at teaching young players the fundamentals of the game. *** Trash talk, publicity and bling.
9. North Korea’s Internet went down for nine hours last month, likely due to retaliation by the U.S. for the Sony hack. *** The punishment wasn’t the loss of Internet service; it was the nine hours that Kim Jong Un had to spend on the phone with a help desk in India.
10. The son of Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel was robbed and beaten right in front of the family home. *** You know you’re living a life of privilege when the muggers come to you.