1. The U.S. Geologic Survey says the chance of a major earthquake hitting California has increased from 4% to 7%. The new prediction is based on recent seismic activity, an updated technical analysis… *** …and the feeling that God is getting really upset with the Kardashians.
2. An on-line petition calling for treason charges against the 47 senators who signed a letter to Iran now has over 165,000 signatures, well above the threshold that requires the White House to respond. The last petition over the threshold called for Justin Bieber to be sent back to Canada. *** Supporters of the current initiative suggest that the government can save money by putting Bieber and senators on the same bus.
3. Last week, after a night of heavy drinking, two Secret Service agents crashed their car into a White House security barrier. *** They were subsequently commended for realizing that they were in no condition to climb the fence.
4. A jury has found that “Blurred Lines” infringed on Marvin Gaye’s songs and ordered Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams to pay $7.4 million. *** They also ordered Pharrell to fork over an extra million for wearing an unauthorized knock-off of a Canadian Mounties’ hat.
5. Walmart officials are trying to shut down a tumblr-owned web site that uses the Walmart name and consists solely of one photo of a horse in front of a Walmart store. *** I wonder…would they be happier if the horse was wearing four flip-flops and a tank top?
6. Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in Las Vegas just unveiled a wax figure of Miley Cyrus sitting on a wrecking ball. *** Oh, I thought that was just Kim Kardashian with a haircut.
7. The aircraft in the Harrison Ford crash was an old Ryan, built way back in 1942, the same year that Mr. Ford was born. *** You know, you gotta be careful with those old classics…and the planes they fly.
8. A North Korean official was caught illegally carrying $1.4 million in gold bars on an international flight. *** Maybe next time they can just send Mr. Rodman a check.
9. A company in Switzerland has sold Russia $85 million worth of hi-tech camouflage netting. *** Vladimir Putin says it will be sent to Ukraine to hide Russian missiles and tanks that aren’t there.
10. At his weekly public prayer, Pope Francis told followers that elderly people should not be treated as aliens. *** But Sigourney Weaver said it wouldn’t make a good storyline anyway.