Friday, May 13, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, May 13, 2016

1.  Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris has been showing off her new tongue piercing.  ***  To avoid any difficulties or confusion, she’s having her name legally changed to Parith.

2.  McDonald’s says it is facing shortages as it test markets a popular new menu item, “Gilroy Garlic Fries.”  ***  They have enough fries, salt and ketchup, but they’re running out of breath mints.

3.  In Texas, the McKinney School District plans to spend $63 million to build the most expensive high school football stadium in the U.S.  ***  A spokesman says that sounds like a lot, but they can easily raise the money with only 25,000 bake sales.

4.  In a wedding ceremony in Colombia, a Peruvian environmentalist married a 1,000 year old tree.  ***  That’s unbelievable.  I mean, wow—what an age difference.

5.  Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne are divorcing after 33 years of marriage amid rumors that Ozzy was having an affair with a hairstylist.  ***  Sharon says his cheating is entirely unacceptable, although she admits that his hair has never looked better.

6.  On this date in history:  May 13, 1940 – Winston Churchill proclaims, “I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.” ***  His wife then turned to him in the pew and said, “Shut up and throw some money in the basket.”

7.  On this date in history:  May 12, 1641 – Prince Willem II, age 14, marries English princess Henriette Mary Stuart, age 9.  ***  It was the first time in history that the bridal registry was at Toys ’R Us. 

8.  On this date in history:  May 11, 1864 – Confederate General J.E.B. Stuart is mortally wounded in the Battle of Yellow Tavern.   ***  Gee, I hope it wasn’t during happy hour.

9.  On this date in history:  May 10, 1752 – Benjamin Franklin conducts his first test with a lightning rod.  ***  Tragically, it involved a stripper and outdoor pole dancing.   

10. On this date in history:  May 9, 1945 – The new balata baseball is used in a game for the first time and it is 50% livelier.  ***  The ball, that is.  The game is still boring.

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