1. Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris has been showing off her new tongue piercing. *** To avoid any difficulties or confusion, she’s having her name legally changed to Parith.
2. McDonald’s says it is facing shortages as it test markets a popular new menu item, “Gilroy Garlic Fries.” *** They have enough fries, salt and ketchup, but they’re running out of breath mints.
3. In Texas, the McKinney School District plans to spend $63 million to build the most expensive high school football stadium in the U.S. *** A spokesman says that sounds like a lot, but they can easily raise the money with only 25,000 bake sales.
4. In a wedding ceremony in Colombia, a Peruvian environmentalist married a 1,000 year old tree. *** That’s unbelievable. I mean, wow—what an age difference.
5. Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne are divorcing after 33 years of marriage amid rumors that Ozzy was having an affair with a hairstylist. *** Sharon says his cheating is entirely unacceptable, although she admits that his hair has never looked better.
6. On this date in history: May 13, 1940 – Winston Churchill proclaims, “I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.” *** His wife then turned to him in the pew and said, “Shut up and throw some money in the basket.”
7. On this date in history: May 12, 1641 – Prince Willem II, age 14, marries English princess Henriette Mary Stuart, age 9. *** It was the first time in history that the bridal registry was at Toys ’R Us.
8. On this date in history: May 11, 1864 – Confederate General J.E.B. Stuart is mortally wounded in the Battle of Yellow Tavern. *** Gee, I hope it wasn’t during happy hour.
9. On this date in history: May 10, 1752 – Benjamin Franklin conducts his first test with a lightning rod. *** Tragically, it involved a stripper and outdoor pole dancing.
10. On this date in history: May 9, 1945 – The new balata baseball is used in a game for the first time and it is 50% livelier. *** The ball, that is. The game is still boring.