1. Yesterday’s explosion of a SpaceX rocket destroyed the satellite that Facebook was going to use to give Internet access across Africa. *** What a tragedy—an entire continent is still unable to post any cat videos.
2. The European Commission has ordered Apple to pay over $14 billion in back taxes because of receiving illegal tax breaks in Ireland. *** After careful research, the Commission concluded that there’s no such thing as a “leprechaun deduction.”
3. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is being hit with unrelenting criticism for catching a shark and posting photos on Twitter. *** “You’re gonna need a bigger PR team.”
4. The New York Times has revealed that President Obama’s favorite snack is almonds. *** And now it looks like we might be continuing the tradition of nuts in the White House.
5. Shawn King, the wife of talk show host Larry King, has denied reports that she’s been having an affair. *** However, she did admit that it’s hard to get turned on by a guy who wears suspenders with his pajamas.
6. On this date in history: Sep 2, 490 B.C – Pheidippides runs 26 miles to seek aid from Sparta to fight Persia, and that run became the origin of the modern marathon. *** So, I wonder if Pheidippides got a free T-shirt.
7. On this date in history: Sep 1, 1922 – New York City requires all "pool" rooms to change their name to "billards.” *** Apparently there was a problem with people showing up in their swimsuits.
8. On this date in history: Aug 30, 1963 – The “Hot line” communications link between Washington D.C. and Moscow begins operation. *** Although Nikita Khrushchev quickly got tired of JFK’s “sorry, wrong number” prank calls.
9. On this date in history: Aug 31, 1887 – Thomas Edison patents the Kinetoscope, a device which produces moving pictures that a person views by looking through a peephole. *** In later years, however, he developed movies that were fit for the whole family.
10. On this date in history: Aug 29, 1776 – American revolutionary forces withdraw from Manhattan. *** It was a strategically important location, but prices were outrageous.