1. After hearing reports of clowns trying to lure kids into the woods, an 11 year-old girl in Athens, Georgia brought a knife to school for protection. *** That’s ridiculous. Everyone knows you fight clowns with seltzer bottles.
2. Physicist Stephen Hawking says we should not announce our presence to alien beings in outer space, especially if they are superior to us. *** Actually, if they are superior, we should check and see if they’d like to run for president.
3. Chinese scientists announced that their out-of-control space station will re-enter the Earth’s atmosphere next year and could strike a populated area. *** They said to determine if you’re at risk, check your next fortune cookie.
4. Pizza Hut has introduced the Grilled Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza, which is a cross between a pizza and a grilled cheese sandwich… *** …and the eating experience is a cross between indigestion and a heart attack.
5. Selena Gomez reportedly changed her phone number so Justin Bieber can’t reach her. *** Me, too…and it’s working.
6. On this date in history: Sep 23, 1969 – The Northern Star newspaper at Norther Illinois University starts a rumor that Paul McCartney is dead. *** Technically, they weren’t wrong, just early.
7. On this date in history: Sep 22, 1692 – The last person is hanged for witchcraft in the U.S. *** Now we just vote them out of office.
8. On this date in history: Sep 21, 1930 – Johann Ostermeyer patents the flashbulb. *** If that was today’s camera technology, the Kardashians would go blind from selfies.
9. On this date in history: Sep 20, 1945 – German rocket engineers from World War II begin working in the U.S. *** Same technology, different targets.
10. On this date in history: Sept 19, 1970 – The "Mary Tyler Moore Show” premieres. *** She plays a young TV news producer who is always cheerful and upbeat in spite of only making 72% of what a man would be paid.