1. Notorious Mexican drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman was handed over to American authorities yesterday, and political observers say that day was carefully selected so it would be too soon for Donald Trump to take the credit. *** And too late for Barack Obama to grant him a pardon.
2. In Warren, Michigan, two men broke into the home of 70 year-old woman and threatened to kill her cat if she didn’t give them her cash, credit cards and wedding ring. *** The cat had a lovely funeral.
3. A new start-up company, Ambrosia, plans to conduct anti-aging trials on 600 people willing to pay $8,000 to be injected with blood from a Millennial. *** The treatment is expected to result in a more youthful appearance, greater proficiency at video games and a strong desire to live in your parents’ basement.
4. Lindsay Lohan has reportedly converted to Islam. *** She is now studying the Quran, praying every day and only using Muslim bail bondsmen.
5. It has just been announced that Tony Orlando will be performing at the
inaugural ball. *** It will be the first performance of his new group, “Tony Orlando and Dawn-ald.” (groan)
6. President Obama’s dog Sunny recently bit a visitor at the White House. *** The poor victim had unwittingly uttered the dog’s secret attack command, “Donald.”
7. On this date in history: Jan 20, 1930 – The first radio broadcast of "The Lone Ranger" takes place on WXYZ in Detroit. *** It was the last day of employment, however, for the staffer with the bright idea of bringing galloping horses into the studio.
8. On this date in history: Jan 19, 1785 – The first manned flight in Ireland takes place using a balloon filled with hydrogen…***…and a pilot filled with Guinness.
9. On this date in history: Jan 18, 1919 – The Peace Congress opens in Versailles, France, for the purpose of bringing a formal end to the first world war. *** So everyone could start preparing for the next one.
10. On this date in history: Jan 17, 1871 – The cable car is patented by Andrew Hallidie, although it doesn’t begin service until 1873. *** It took him two years to perfect the sound of the bell.