1. In Gila Bend, Arizona, a naked woman stole a police car and hit 100 mph during a 75 mile chase. *** Gee, the last time we saw something like that was when a Kardashian was late for an MTV Awards party.
2. Because of leadership conflicts, three separate motorcycle gatherings are being planned for the presidential inauguration, even though the sincere, politically-motivated bikers all share the same conservative philosophy, support of Mr. Trump’s agenda *** and the fantasy of Melania riding naked on the back of their Harleys.
3. Robert Hulseman, inventor of the red Solo cup, has died at the age of 84. *** Sadly, he passed away without achieving his dream of getting beer pong into the Olympics.
4. In Detroit, “Milwaukee Avenue” was recently renamed “Stevie Wonder Avenue.” *** It was also designated as an official testing site for self-driving cars.
5. The Radio City Rockettes and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir will be performing at the presidential inauguration. *** It will be a bit challenging—they’re still trying to synchronize high kicks with the “Hallelujah Chorus.”
6. On this date in history: Jan 6, 1914 – The brokerage firm Merrill-Lynch is founded. *** You know, it’s really hard to imagine that era – Stockbrokers without BMW’s.
7. On this date in history: Jan 5, 1896 – Wilhelm Roentgen's discovery of X-Rays is first reported by the Austrian newspaper "Wiener Presse." *** Upon hearing the news, people around the world were astounded that anyone would name a newspaper “Wiener Presse.”
8. On this date in history: Jan 4, 1968 – Leo Fender sells Fender Guitars for $13 million. *** He then took the proceeds down to the local bar and went on a real Fender bender.
9. On this date in history: Jan 3, 1888 – The first wax drinking straw is patented by Marvin C. Stone in Washington, D.C. *** Appropriately, it was invented in the town where people are most likely to suck up.
10. On this date in history: Jan 2, 1570 – In Russia, Ivan the Terrible begins his march to Novgorod. *** Actually, that was in his younger years, when he was just Ivan the Naughty.