1. The half-brother of North Korea’s Kim Jong Un was assassinated at a Malaysian airport terminal. The victim, Kim Jong Nam, had an indulgent lifestyle and was noticeably overweight. *** According to investigators, the attackers weren’t sure of his departure gate, so they set up their ambush at the Cinnabon shop.
2. Playboy magazine just announced it will resume featuring nude photos. *** The bad news: The April centerfold will be Hugh Hefner.
3. A Florida police officer was reprimanded for arresting a man because she thought some donut glaze in his car was methamphetamine. *** You know, kids, there used to be a time when any good cop could identify every donut topping with their eyes closed--even the color of the sprinkles.
4. At a UCLA basketball game last week, a Bruins cheerleader fell when the human pyramid under her suddenly collapsed, and then she was dropped again when being carried off the court. *** You know, it’s just not smart to be a Hillary fan at the top of a Donald Trump pyramid.
5. Wal-Mart is now offering the Ivanka line of stylish shoes online at a large discount. *** And, as a further enticement to the store’s traditional customer base, Ivanka announced that she’ll throw in a free pair of flip-flops.
6. On this date in history: Feb 17, 1981 – Chrysler Corporation reports the largest corporate loss in U.S. history. *** The company didn’t disclose the exact number, but said it was “somewhere around a gazillion.”
7. On this date in history: Feb 16, 1878 – The silver dollar becomes legal tender. *** And the name of half the saloons west of the Mississippi.
8. On this date in history: Feb 15, 1903 – Morris and Rose Michtom make the first teddy bear in the U.S. *** How do you make a teddy bear? Take off its clothes.
9. On this date in history: Feb 14, 1971 – Richard Nixon installs a secret taping system in the White House. *** However, people became suspicious after seeing signs in every room saying, “Please speak clearly.”
10. On this date in history: Feb 13, 1959 – The Barbie doll goes on sale. *** Over the following years, many special versions of Barbie would go on sale, except “Hooker Barbie,” which could only be rented.