1. First Lady Melania Trump announced that she is expecting to move into the White House in three or four months. *** She blamed the delay on “a certain someone who is getting a bit carried away with that ‘extreme vetting’ thing.”
2. For target practice, the Army is developing bullets that are environmentally friendly and may even contain seeds. *** In fact, many farmers are now planning to plant their next crops with an Uzi.
3. President Trump has cancelled his planned tour of the Harley-Davidson factory in Milwaukee. *** He was anxious to connect with the workers, but refused to get the mandatory tattoo.
4. Peter Ricketts, a former official in the British Foreign Office, said the prospect of protests outside the palace when President Trump comes to visit has put the queen in a "very difficult position." *** Hey, the lady is 90 years old. At that age, almost every position is difficult.
5. This past weekend the Miss Universe contest was won by a 23 year old French dental student. *** The competition was intense; the runner-up was a manicurist and they fought tooth and nail.
6. On this date in history: Feb 3, 1690 – The colony of Massachusetts issues the first paper money in America. *** That was a big improvement. Previously, guys had to tuck loose change into the strippers’ G-strings.
7. On this date in history: Feb 2, 1964 – The GI Joe action figure makes its debut. *** It was so realistic that if it broke you had to take it to a VA hospital.
8. On this date in history: Feb 1, 1864 – General Ulysses S. Grant, in an effort to outflank Confederate troops, initiates the ill-fated Battle of the Yazoo River. *** After that failure, President Lincoln sent him a message saying, “You idiot, I just said they had soldiers up the WAZOO.”
9. On this date in history: Jan 31, 1990 – The first McDonald's in Russia opens in Moscow. *** The Russian “Happy Meal” consisted of a Big Mac, fries, and a McVodka.
10. On this date in history: Jan 30, 1894 – Charles King of Detroit patents the pneumatic hammer, commonly referred to as the “jackhammer.” *** In deference to the inventor, shouldn’t it be called “chuckhammer”?