News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 14, 2017

1.   A funeral home in Flint, Michigan has been shut down because of unhealthy conditions and decomposing bodies.   ***   Contrary to local rumors, the toxic drinking water did not work well for embalming.

2.   A district judge in Hawaii has ruled that President Trump’s travel ban from Muslim countries does not apply to grandparents of U.S. citizens.  ***  In order to enter the U.S., elderly couples must show proof of having sent ten years of birthday cards with $5 tucked inside.

3.   Muppet Show veteran Matt Vogel will be replacing Steve Whitmore as the puppeteer for Kermit the Frog.  ***  The noticeable change in Kermit’s voice will be explained to all the young viewers through an educational story about puberty.

4.   In a case of extreme road rage, an Episcopalian priest was arrested in Florida for threatening another driver with his Glock pistol.   ***   The priest quickly apologized and said the gun is normally used just to keep people awake during his sermons.

5.   A Delta Airlines passenger trying to open an exit door during a flight from Seattle to Beijing was subdued by a flight attendant who hit him over the head with two bottles of wine.  ***  In accordance with Delta policy, since the incident took place in first class it was OK to hit him with the chardonnay AND the pinot noir.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 14, 1973 – Phil Everly storms off the stage and declares an end to the Everly Brothers  ***  He was sick and tired of always fighting Don for the hairspray.

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 13, 1987 – A federal judge throws out Bette Midler's $10 million suit against Ford Motor Co, who used a sound-alike voice for their TV commercials.  ***  Ford was also accused of music plagiarism in a lawsuit filed by Ms. Midler’s boyfriend at the time, the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B. 

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 12, 1960 – USSR's Sputnik 5 is launched with two dogs.  ***  They would have gone with cats, but there just wasn’t room for the litter box (and in a weightless environment—very messy). 

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 11, 1955 – Congress authorizes all U.S. currency to say "In God We Trust."   ***  It sounded a little better than their second choice: “Heaven Help Us.” 

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 10, 1982 – Trapeze artist Miguel Vasquez makes the first public quadruple somersault.   ***  Actually, he was just going for a triple, but he lost count.