1. People are complaining that the Democrats’ new campaign slogan for 2018, “Better Skills, Better Jobs, Better Wages,” is too similar to the Jimmy John’s slogan, “Better Ingredients, Better Pizza.” *** Actually, they should just use the Jimmy John’s slogan—at least it’s a promise they could deliver.
2. During a routine traffic stop, police in Austin, Texas discovered 75 pounds of liquid meth hidden in jugs of engine degreaser. *** Actually, meth is a terrific engine cleaner, if you don’t mind potholes in your driveway.
3. A storm system over the Atlantic has been named “Don” while one over the Pacific has been named “Hilary.” *** That’s very appropriate—in fact, the only difference between Mr. Trump and Ms. Clinton and the two potential hurricanes is that hurricanes have a higher approval rating.
4. American Airlines is denying that one of its planes was evacuated at the Raleigh-Durham Airport because passengers were getting nauseous after someone “passed gas.” *** The airline said the odor was likely due to a mechanical issue, but just to be safe they will no longer serve the burrito special.
5. A truck accident on Route 101 in Oregon resulted in a shipment of thousands of live eels spilled across the highway. *** State officials said they hadn’t seen that many slimy, disgusting, blood-sucking creatures since the last political convention.
6. On this date in history: Jul 21, 1931 – A horse race track in Reno is the first venue in the U.S. to feature a “daily double.” *** Oh. I thought that was “Jeopardy.”
7. On this date in history: Jul 20, 1881 – Indian leader Sitting Bull surrenders to federal troops. *** As a sign of respect, the soldiers didn’t make him stand up.
8. On this date in history: Jul 19, 1976 – The rock group “Deep Purple” disbands. *** Of course, we all remember when they first formed and were considering the names “Burgundy,” “Maroon,” and “Eggplant.”
9. On this date in history: Jul 18, 1872 – Britain introduces secret ballot voting. *** It was so secret even the voters didn’t know who they were voting for.
10. On this date in history: Jul 17, 1988 – San Francisco has a record high temperature of 103 degrees. *** Down at Fisherman’s Wharf, the Ghirardelli Company had a special on dark chocolate soup.