News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 21, 2017

1.   People are complaining that the Democrats’ new campaign slogan for 2018, “Better Skills, Better Jobs, Better Wages,” is too similar to the Jimmy John’s slogan, “Better Ingredients, Better Pizza.”  ***  Actually, they should just use the Jimmy John’s slogan—at least it’s a promise they could deliver.    

2.   During a routine traffic stop, police in Austin, Texas discovered 75 pounds of liquid meth hidden in jugs of engine degreaser.  ***  Actually, meth is a terrific engine cleaner, if you don’t mind potholes in your driveway.

3.   A storm system over the Atlantic has been named “Don” while one over the Pacific has been named “Hilary.”  ***  That’s very appropriate—in fact, the only difference between Mr. Trump and Ms. Clinton and the two potential hurricanes is that hurricanes have a higher approval rating.

4.   American Airlines is denying that one of its planes was evacuated at the Raleigh-Durham Airport because passengers were getting nauseous after someone “passed gas.”  ***  The airline said the odor was likely due to a mechanical issue, but just to be safe they will no longer serve the burrito special.

5.   A truck accident on Route 101 in Oregon resulted in a shipment of thousands of live eels spilled across the highway.   ***   State officials said they hadn’t seen that many slimy, disgusting, blood-sucking creatures since the last political convention.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 21, 1931 – A horse race track in Reno is the first venue in the U.S. to feature a “daily double.”  ***   Oh.  I thought that was “Jeopardy.”

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 20, 1881 – Indian leader Sitting Bull surrenders to federal troops.   ***   As a sign of respect, the soldiers didn’t make him stand up. 

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 19, 1976 – The rock group “Deep Purple” disbands.   ***  Of course, we all remember when they first formed and were considering the names “Burgundy,” “Maroon,” and “Eggplant.”

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 18, 1872 – Britain introduces secret ballot voting.   ***  It was so secret even the voters didn’t know who they were voting for.

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 17, 1988 – San Francisco has a record high temperature of 103 degrees.  ***  Down at Fisherman’s Wharf, the Ghirardelli Company had a special on dark chocolate soup.