News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 24, 2017

1.   Researchers at University College London have been studying whether cat owners can contract toxoplasmosis from their pets, which could lead to certain psychotic disorders.  ***   Typical disorders would include schizophrenia, confusion and excessive posting of cat videos on Facebook.

2.   A 26 year old former nursing home worker in Sandusky, Ohio was arrested after forcibly giving a lap dance to a 100 year old resident.  The police report gave the woman’s name as Brittany Fultz, ***  but only identified the elderly gentleman as “Smiley.”  

3.   Lamborghini has recalled thousands of its expensive supercars after several of them caught on fire.  ***   Owners of the damaged cars were understandably upset and complained that after spending that kind of money on a Lamborghini they would have expected the flames to be a lot more spectacular.

4.   The enthusiastic Trump supporter whom the president invited onstage in Florida told reporters he has a six-foot cardboard cut-out of Mr. Trump at home and he said, “I salute that every single day.” ***  And then he kisses his cardboard wife, hugs his cardboard daughter and pets his cardboard dog,

5.   Witches around the world plan to cast a spell on Donald Trump on February 24^th at midnight.   ***   The spell probably won’t actually change the president’s behavior, but Sean Spicer plans to use it to explain a few things.

6.   On this date in history:  Feb 24, 1208 – Saint Francis of Assisi, 26, received his vocation in Portiuncula, Italy  ***  He was told his mission was to spread the gospel, be kind to animals and pose for birdbath sculptures.

7.   On this date in history:  Feb 23, 1574 – France begins 5th Holy War against Huguenots.  ***  Both sides had agreed to a “best out of 7” format. 

8.   On this date in history:  Feb 22, 1879 – The first “five and dime” store is opened by Frank W. Woolworth in Utica, NY.  ***  He was the person who “coined” the phrase “Change you can believe in.”

9.   On this date in history:  Feb 21, 1988 – During a live TV broadcast, televangelist Jimmy Swaggart admits to visiting a prostitute.   ***  He then asked viewers to increase donations because the fight for her salvation was costing $1,000 a night.

10.  On this date in history:  Feb 20, 1974 – Cher files for separation from Sonny Bono.  ***  They are perhaps best known for their hit song “I Got (Tired of) You Babe.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 17, 2017

1.   The half-brother of North Korea’s Kim Jong Un was assassinated at a Malaysian airport terminal.  The victim, Kim Jong Nam, had an indulgent lifestyle and was noticeably overweight.  ***  According to investigators, the attackers weren’t sure of his departure gate, so they set up their ambush at the Cinnabon shop.

2.   Playboy magazine just announced it will resume featuring nude photos.  ***  The bad news:  The April centerfold will be Hugh Hefner.

3.   A Florida police officer was reprimanded for arresting a man because she thought some donut glaze in his car was methamphetamine.   ***   You know, kids, there used to be a time when any good cop could identify every donut topping with their eyes closed--even the color of the sprinkles.

4.   At a UCLA basketball game last week, a Bruins cheerleader fell when the human pyramid under her suddenly collapsed, and then she was dropped again when being carried off the court.  ***  You know, it’s just not smart to be a Hillary fan at the top of a Donald Trump pyramid.

5.   Wal-Mart is now offering the Ivanka line of stylish shoes online at a large discount.  ***   And, as a further enticement to the store’s traditional customer base, Ivanka announced that she’ll throw in a free pair of flip-flops.

6.   On this date in history:  Feb 17, 1981 – Chrysler Corporation reports the largest corporate loss in U.S. history.  ***  The company didn’t disclose the exact number, but said it was “somewhere around a gazillion.” 

7.   On this date in history:  Feb 16, 1878 – The silver dollar becomes legal tender.   ***  And the name of half the saloons west of the Mississippi.

8.   On this date in history:  Feb 15, 1903 – Morris and Rose Michtom make the first teddy bear in the U.S.   ***   How do you make a teddy bear?  Take off its clothes.

9.   On this date in history:  Feb 14, 1971 – Richard Nixon installs a secret taping system in the White House.  ***  However, people became suspicious after seeing signs in every room saying, “Please speak clearly.” 

10.  On this date in history:  Feb 13, 1959 – The Barbie doll goes on sale.  ***  Over the following years, many special versions of Barbie would go on sale, except “Hooker Barbie,” which could only be rented. 

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 10, 2017

1.  A man in Lakeland, Florida says he tried to make a $7 billion fraudulent bank transfer because Jesus wanted him to be wealthy.  ***   No, Jesus just wanted him to be stupid.

2.   A study by Exodus Travel says that Americans get their second wind at age 56.  *** Unfortunately, for most of us it’s a headwind.

3.   Leah Remini claims that the Church of Scientology has designated John Travolta as a Khakhan, which gives him great power, and he can even get away with murder.  ***   However, there are limits. One thing the Church will not tolerate from him is any attempt to bring back disco.

4.   Kim Kardashian has announced that she’s starting a book club.  ***   Members don’t have to actually read each book--they just need to be holding it when they take a selfie.

5.   While arguing about consummating their marriage, a 76 year old man In Lehigh Acres, Florida shot his new bride in the butt.   ***   Experts say it’s the first time that Viagra lasted longer than the marriage.

6.   On this date in history:  Feb 10, 1933 – Hitler proclaims the end of Marxism.  ***  Groucho and Harpo were furious.

7.   On this date in history:  Feb 9, 1987 – The New York Stock Exchange installs a ladies restroom in the Exchange Luncheon Club.  ***  That’s important, because when the market tanks, men aren’t the only ones who need a place to throw up.

8.   On this date in history:  Feb 8, 1898 – John Sherman patents the first automatic envelope folding & gumming machine.   ***   He was subsequently honored as “Man of the Year” by the American Junk Mail Association.

9.   On this date in history:  Feb 7, 1889 – Astronomical Society of the Pacific holds its first meeting in San Francisco ***  It had nothing to do with star gazing;  it’s just that the dues were astronomical.

10. On this date in history:  Feb 6, 1996 – Heidi Fleiss, the “Hollywood Madam,” begins a seven year sentence for running a prostitution ring for celebrities.   ***   It’s hard to avoid jail time when your only character witness is Charlie Sheen.

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 3, 2017

1.   First Lady Melania Trump announced that she is expecting to move into the White House in three or four months.  ***  She blamed the delay on “a certain someone who is getting a bit carried away with that ‘extreme vetting’ thing.”

2.   For target practice, the Army is developing bullets that are environmentally friendly and may even contain seeds.  ***  In fact, many farmers are now planning to plant their next crops with an Uzi.

3.   President Trump has cancelled his planned tour of the Harley-Davidson factory in Milwaukee.  ***  He was anxious to connect with the workers, but refused to get the mandatory tattoo.

4.   Peter Ricketts, a former official in the British Foreign Office, said the prospect of protests outside the palace when President Trump comes to visit has put the queen in a "very difficult position."   ***  Hey, the lady is 90 years old. At that age, almost every position is difficult.

5.   This past weekend the Miss Universe contest was won by a 23 year old French dental student.  ***   The competition was intense;  the runner-up was a manicurist and they fought tooth and nail.

6.   On this date in history:  Feb 3, 1690 – The colony of Massachusetts issues the first paper money in America.   *** That was a big improvement. Previously, guys had to tuck loose change into the strippers’ G-strings.

7.   On this date in history:  Feb 2, 1964 – The GI Joe action figure makes its debut. ***  It was so realistic that if it broke you had to take it to a VA hospital.

8.   On this date in history:  Feb 1, 1864 – General Ulysses S. Grant, in an effort to outflank Confederate troops, initiates the ill-fated Battle of the Yazoo River.  ***  After that failure, President Lincoln sent him a message saying, “You idiot, I just said they had soldiers up the WAZOO.”

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 31, 1990 – The first McDonald's in Russia opens in Moscow.   ***  The Russian “Happy Meal” consisted of a Big Mac, fries, and a McVodka. 

10.  On this date in history:  Jan 30, 1894 – Charles King of Detroit patents the pneumatic hammer, commonly referred to as the “jackhammer.” ***  In deference to the inventor, shouldn’t it be called “chuckhammer”?