1. Dunkin’ Donuts’ special offering of coffee flavors based on Girl Scout cookies ended yesterday. *** It was a great idea, but customers expected their coffee to be delivered every morning by a little girl pulling a wagon.
2. David Copperfield has just been found “not guilty” after being sued by a man who was injured during a trick in which members of the audience vanished. *** Hey, if there’s one thing we’ve learned from mob trials, it’s never a good idea to sue someone who has a history of making people disappear.
3. Roseanne Barr has apologized for sending out mean-spirited, derogatory, racist tweets and claimed it was because she had taken Ambien. *** Too bad it wasn’t Lunesta—she could have blamed it all on the butterfly.
4. Embattled EPA head Scott Pruitt has established a legal defense fund to fight charges of unethical behavior and sweetheart deals with the energy industry. *** The defiant Mr. Pruitt vowed to keep on defending himself, right down to his last petrodollar.
5. A huge sinkhole has suddenly opened up on the White House lawn. *** President Trump reacted immediately and announced that next year’s Easter Egg Roll is going to be the most exciting one ever.
6. A woman in Florida saved herself by slipping a veterinarian a note which said, “Call the cops. My boyfriend is threatening me. He has a gun.” *** The 9-1-1 operator told the vet that police were on their way, and in the meantime the woman should remain calm, act normal and stop referring to the guy as “boyfriend.”
7. On this date in history: June 1, 1869 – Thomas Edison patents a “voting machine.” *** He invented the NRA?
8. On this date in history: May 31, 1678 – Lady Godiva rides naked through Coventry to protest higher taxes. *** So, authorities raised taxes again and told her to bring her friends.
9. On this date in history: May 30, 1889 – The brassiere is invented. *** That was over 100 years ago, and yet so many women in Hollywood are apparently still unaware of it.
10. On this date in history: May 29, 1630 – Governor John Winthrop begins writing "History of New England." *** Apparently he saw nothing ironic in writing a “History” of something that was “New.”