1. Federal authorities have launched a criminal investigation into the North Carolina coal ash spill. They say the incident created enough toxic sludge to fill 73 Olympic sized swimming pools. *** And in another Olympic analogy, they said the sludge was almost as bad as the tap water in Sochi.
2. Archaeologists from Tel Aviv University have found evidence that camels were not domesticated until the 10th century B.C., indicating that early parts of the Old Testament were not written by first-hand eyewitnesses. *** They also say that God did NOT create the camel on the third day of the Creation as some sort of “hump day” joke.
3. A Rutgers professor was suspended after telling students he was not qualified to teach the class he was assigned. *** I guess he should learn to hide his feelings of incompetency…like Joe Biden.
4. The Cuban government issued official photographs of Fidel Castro meeting with the president of Argentina, but they had been altered to eliminate Castro’s hearing aid. *** They don’t want citizens to get the mistaken impression that the government actually listens.
5. Penguins at the Scarborough Sea Life Sanctuary in England are being given anti-depressant pills to help them make it through this year’s miserable winter weather. *** I believe those are the same pills being given to Prince Charles to help him make it through his marriage to Camilla.
6. Toyota is recalling 1.9 million Prius’s because of a condition that can cause them to suddenly slow down. *** I believe that condition is called “a hill.”
7. Athletes at the Olympics have been told they cannot have helmet decals or armbands that commemorate fellow athletes who have died. *** However, they are allowed to display names of competitors who they wish were dead.
8. There have been a lot of surprises in the Olympics so far. *** For example, Ukraine took a gold medal in “solo hijacking.”
9. The Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony was especially exciting with all the pyrotechnics. *** Every third firework was actually the launch of a short-range ballistic missile.
10. Last Friday a man was arrested after trying to climb over the White House fence. *** It was Joe Biden, trying to get out.