1.
The Michigan
Department of Transportation says that coping with the severe winter weather
has used up much of the budget for maintenance during the summer. *** But
that’s OK because it doesn’t look like we’re ever going to have a summer.
2.
Spike TV is coming
out with a miniseries that chronicles the decade-long dispute between casino
moguls Donald Trump and Steve Wynn.
*** I believe the name of the
show is “Who Cares?”
3.
Legislators in Kansas
have introduced a bill that would permit teachers to spank students harder—even
hard enough to cause redness and bruising.
They claim it would help improve discipline ***
and let them cut down on waterboarding.
4.
An American warship
assigned to provide protection near Sochi has run aground. ***
Thus giving the United States a gold medal in the “national
embarrassment” competition.
5.
In Los Angeles, the
foundation for the New Wilshire Grand skyscraper is expected to set a world
record for the largest continuous cement pour, involving 2,100 truckloads of
cement. *** It
is also expected to set a new record for the number of mafia victims buried in
a single pour.
6.
Lamar Odom has signed
on with a basketball team in Spain. He
would have preferred continuing with the NBA, but he wanted to get a fresh
start, re-establish his credibility ***
and get as far away from the Kardashians as possible.
7.
After a West Chester
University student was denied a $10,000 prize for sinking a half-court shot in a
basketball contest because of technicality, Pizza Hut stepped in and gave him
the money. *** And,
in a further effort to reward unbelievable performances, Pizza Hut also offered to pay
$10,000 for any basket made by the Milwaukee Bucks.
8.
After a breakdown in
the Syrian peace talks, Syria’s foreign minister accused the United States of
creating a “negative climate.” ***
Yep. In fact, that’s our latest version of global climate change.
9.
Federal authorities
have launched a criminal investigation into the North Carolina coal ash
spill. They say the incident created enough
toxic sludge to fill 73 Olympic sized swimming pools. ***
And in another Olympic analogy, they said the sludge was almost as bad
as the tap water in Sochi.
10. According to Time magazine, the most influential candy
bar of all time is the “Kit Kat” bar:
One
reason is that it’s the first candy marketed with the theme of “sharing.” ***
Even though there has never been a documented case of anybody ever actually
sharing one.
Secondly,
its commercials have a jingle (Gimme a break…Gimme a break…) that you
can’t get out of your head. *** And eating them gives you a jiggle
that you can’t get out of your waist.
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