1. The Michigan Department of Transportation says that coping with the severe winter weather has used up much of the budget for maintenance during the summer. *** But that’s OK because it doesn’t look like we’re ever going to have a summer.
2. Spike TV is coming out with a miniseries that chronicles the decade-long dispute between casino moguls Donald Trump and Steve Wynn. *** I believe the name of the show is “Who Cares?”
3. Legislators in Kansas have introduced a bill that would permit teachers to spank students harder—even hard enough to cause redness and bruising. They claim it would help improve discipline *** and let them cut down on waterboarding.
4. An American warship assigned to provide protection near Sochi has run aground. *** Thus giving the United States a gold medal in the “national embarrassment” competition.
5. In Los Angeles, the foundation for the New Wilshire Grand skyscraper is expected to set a world record for the largest continuous cement pour, involving 2,100 truckloads of cement. *** It is also expected to set a new record for the number of mafia victims buried in a single pour.
6. Lamar Odom has signed on with a basketball team in Spain. He would have preferred continuing with the NBA, but he wanted to get a fresh start, re-establish his credibility *** and get as far away from the Kardashians as possible.
7. After a West Chester University student was denied a $10,000 prize for sinking a half-court shot in a basketball contest because of technicality, Pizza Hut stepped in and gave him the money. *** And, in a further effort to reward unbelievable performances, Pizza Hut also offered to pay $10,000 for any basket made by the Milwaukee Bucks.
8. After a breakdown in the Syrian peace talks, Syria’s foreign minister accused the United States of creating a “negative climate.” *** Yep. In fact, that’s our latest version of global climate change.
9. Federal authorities have launched a criminal investigation into the North Carolina coal ash spill. They say the incident created enough toxic sludge to fill 73 Olympic sized swimming pools. *** And in another Olympic analogy, they said the sludge was almost as bad as the tap water in Sochi.
10. According to Time magazine, the most influential candy bar of all time is the “Kit Kat” bar:
One reason is that it’s the first candy marketed with the theme of “sharing.” *** Even though there has never been a documented case of anybody ever actually sharing one.
Secondly, its commercials have a jingle (Gimme a break…Gimme a break…) that you can’t get out of your head. *** And eating them gives you a jiggle that you can’t get out of your waist.