32 ! — That’s the final count of how many of my jokes Jay Leno used in his monologues on the Tonight Show. As some of you know, every morning for the past three years I’ve submitted “Bill’s Pills” to Jay and his staff. (I had to exclude the ones that he used from this weekly blog because if he used it he owned it).
Of course, I was sad and sorry to see Jay’s time on the Tonight Show come to an end last night, but he had a great run. And for me, being involved in a small part of all that was an absolute thrill.
But even though Jay’s gone, Bill’s Pills will continue!
1. Archaeologists digging underneath downtown Miami say they’ve found evidence of an ancient civilization there. *** Actually, there’s still an ancient civilization in Miami. (And you can find them at the early bird specials.)
2. The White House is putting on a big push to get young adults to sign up for Obamacare. It’s a tough sell, because people in that age group think they’re going to be healthy forever. *** In fact, they’re more naïve than teenagers, who merely think they’re going to live forever.
3. The giant pharmacy chain CVS has announced that it will no longer sell tobacco products. *** They need the shelf space for marijuana.
4. The former personal secretary of the late pope John-Paul II is coming under criticism for publishing a 640 page book of the pope’s personal notes even though John-Paul’s will said that the notes should be burned. *** Apparently the documents contain proof that the pope had advanced knowledge of Vatican lane closings.
5. Fans trying to leave New Jersey after attending the Super Bowl complained about mass transit delays and overcrowding. *** Governor Christie apologized and assured them that it was just part of a new traffic study.
6. In a recent interview Miley Cyrus said she wants young women to know that they don’t have to wear make-up. *** Well, guess which celebrity doesn’t yet have her own line of cosmetics.
7. According to a poll by the Democratic firm Public Policy Polling, NBC News and sister network MSNBC rank near the bottom of who Americans trust for the news. *** So, if what NBC says might not be the truth…maybe Jay Leno’s not really fired! (Jimmy Fallon! Stay where you are! Don’t believe what they told you!).
8. In an interview on CNN, Dennis Rodman said he’d be willing to take the place of Kenneth Bae, the American who is currently being held in a North Korean prison. *** Thanks, but that’s really not necessary, Dennis. The U.S. government would be glad to put you in a prison right here in your own country.
9. Two Norwegian politicians have nominated Edward Snowden for the Nobel Peace prize. *** Well, now we know two guys that he’s got the goods on.
10. Christie Brinkley, who just turned 60 years old, posed in a swimsuit on the cover of People magazine. She said, “I’m actually excited about turning 60. I’m at the top of my game.” *** That’s true, although her game is now shuffleboard.