1. Michigan State Senator Virgil Smith shot up his ex-wife’s Mercedes-Benz with a rifle and was subsequently arraigned on a felony firearms charge. *** That’s a real shock; In Michigan, shooting a foreign-made car is usually just a misdemeanor.
2. Johnny Depp tried to sneak his two dogs into Australia, but quarantine officials caught him and said that because of communicable disease concerns he’d have to ship them out or they’d have to be put down. *** As I recall, the same thing happened with Charlie Sheen and his girlfriends.
3. The new Detroit-Windsor bridge will be named after hockey legend Gordie Howe. *** You know, after all the controversy regarding the need for the second bridge, instead of “Howe” it should have been named “Why?”
4. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has signed a bill outlawing “coal rolling,” which is modifying diesel trucks so they can belch billowing clouds of black smoke at people with the flick of a switch. *** He said that tasteless showing off, obscuring everyone’s vision and leaving people feeling dirty is the job of politicians.
5. TV health advocate Dr. Oz witnessed a car crash on the New Jersey Turnpike and treated the injured people until an ambulance arrived. *** Of course, the victims were extremely grateful…to the paramedics for saving them from an endless lecture on healthy eating, exercise programs, vitamin supplements, personal hygiene…
6. Pope Francis says God will judge us on whether we took good care of the Earth. *** Wait a minute—that’s not in the Ten Commandments…You can’t just change the rules in the middle of the game.
7. Tiger Woods and Lindsay Vonn announced their break-up and blamed it on “schedule difficulties,” but it was later revealed that Tiger told Lindsay that he had cheated on her. *** I remember when having a second girlfriend was called “two-timing”; now apparently it’s just a “schedule difficulty.”
8. At the zoo in Greenville, Wisconsin, someone stole a baby kangaroo from its mother’s pouch. *** Police are warning the public to be on the lookout for a really good pickpocket.
9. “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Kim Richards has checked into rehab for the fourth time. *** Eight more times and she’ll have completed the celebrity version of the 12-step program.
10. New York City police arrested 13 people who were dealing cocaine out of a pizzeria. *** Authorities became suspicious when they noticed employees snorting the marinara sauce.