1.
After 15 years of
trying, a 49 year old doctor is finally giving up her quest to become a Dallas
Cowboys cheerleader. *** However,
she’ll continue to do her pom pom routines for Bronze Plan patients who can’t
afford surgery.
2.
The Secret Service
wants to put a second row of spikes on top of the White House fence to
discourage intruders. ***
Unfortunately, because of budget cuts they’ll just be adding two more “Beware
of Dog” signs. (And they still can’t
afford the dog.)
3.
An Iranian cleric says that
earthquakes are caused by women who dress revealingly and act promiscuously. *** Therefore, contestants in the Miss Iran beauty
pageant will now be judged on the Richter scale.
4.
After hearing that
1,600 IRS employees had filed fraudulent tax returns or failed to file, Senator
Orrin Hatch said that IRS workers should be held to the same standards as
regular taxpayers… *** …
instead of Congressional standards.
5.
Chrysler is offering
free college tuition to all its dealership employees. ***
Good luck finding a salesman during finals week.
6.
Companies such as
Lively and Evermind are offering sensors and a monitoring service paired with a
smart phone to help baby boomers keep track of elderly parents who are living
independently. ***
For example, if there’s an indication that a parent has fallen, the son
or daughter knows to immediately send a get well card.
7.
McDonald’s has
developed a new take-out bag with a bottom portion that serves as a tray when it
is detached by pulling off a strip of paper around the bag. ***
Additionally, that removable strip is marked in inches so you can measure
your waistline after the meal.
8.
Dr. Ben Carson has
announced his candidacy for president. *** Although he’d have a tough time dealing with
Congress because, as a neurosurgeon, he usually works with brains.
9.
According to the
American Academy of Dermatology, there are some types of rashes for which you
should immediately head to the emergency room. ***
And there are other types of rashes for which you should immediately
start thinking up good excuses to tell your spouse.
10. In Indianapolis, a policewoman helped a pizza delivery man
who had a flat tire by driving him to deliver the pizzas. ***
Of course, the cop didn’t use the lights or siren, which are only for
emergencies—like delivering donuts.
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