1. After 15 years of trying, a 49 year old doctor is finally giving up her quest to become a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. *** However, she’ll continue to do her pom pom routines for Bronze Plan patients who can’t afford surgery.
2. The Secret Service wants to put a second row of spikes on top of the White House fence to discourage intruders. *** Unfortunately, because of budget cuts they’ll just be adding two more “Beware of Dog” signs. (And they still can’t afford the dog.)
3. An Iranian cleric says that earthquakes are caused by women who dress revealingly and act promiscuously. *** Therefore, contestants in the Miss Iran beauty pageant will now be judged on the Richter scale.
4. After hearing that 1,600 IRS employees had filed fraudulent tax returns or failed to file, Senator Orrin Hatch said that IRS workers should be held to the same standards as regular taxpayers… *** … instead of Congressional standards.
5. Chrysler is offering free college tuition to all its dealership employees. *** Good luck finding a salesman during finals week.
6. Companies such as Lively and Evermind are offering sensors and a monitoring service paired with a smart phone to help baby boomers keep track of elderly parents who are living independently. *** For example, if there’s an indication that a parent has fallen, the son or daughter knows to immediately send a get well card.
7. McDonald’s has developed a new take-out bag with a bottom portion that serves as a tray when it is detached by pulling off a strip of paper around the bag. *** Additionally, that removable strip is marked in inches so you can measure your waistline after the meal.
8. Dr. Ben Carson has announced his candidacy for president. *** Although he’d have a tough time dealing with Congress because, as a neurosurgeon, he usually works with brains.
9. According to the American Academy of Dermatology, there are some types of rashes for which you should immediately head to the emergency room. *** And there are other types of rashes for which you should immediately start thinking up good excuses to tell your spouse.
10. In Indianapolis, a policewoman helped a pizza delivery man who had a flat tire by driving him to deliver the pizzas. *** Of course, the cop didn’t use the lights or siren, which are only for emergencies—like delivering donuts.