1. McDonald’s hopes to reverse declining sales by offering improved products, including better buns. *** Actually, I think customers looking for better buns go to Hooters.
2. Vladimir Putin claims the U.S. is bringing corruption charges against international soccer officials just because Russia was selected to host the 2018 World Cup. *** Putin pointed out that he never would have bribed anybody for the World Cup games because it would have been cheaper to send in the army and annex whichever country got it.
3. Celebrity chef Bobby Flay’s wife has filed divorce papers which accuse him of cheating. *** She cited several instances where he and his mistress used substitute ingredients.
4. In Detroit, carjacking is so bad even the city’s police chief says he wouldn’t stop at a gas station at night unless he had to. *** To cut down on the violence, the city is establishing authorized transfer points where drivers can safely hand their keys to a carjacker and then catch a taxi to get home.
5. At 73 years old, Senator Bernie Sanders has just launched his presidential campaign. *** Well, not really a launch--at his age he just sort of nudged it out there with a shuffleboard stick.
6. In Brownwood, Texas, a teenager who was put into a medically-induced coma claims that he was visited by Jesus. *** Wow—that kid must have the Obamacare Gold Plan. (With the Silver Plan you just see a former apostle, and with the Bronze Plan you just get the first available angel.)
7. Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Will Smith was suspended for eight games after umpires found he had a mixture of rosin and sunscreen on his arm. *** Additionally, league officials are investigating accusations that he has been deflating baseballs.
8. A new survey shows that President Obama’s popularity rating is up to 53%. *** But that’s just in the West Wing.
9. As part of the fallout from the Benghazi investigation, the State Department has released the first batch of e-mails from Hilary Clinton’s personal account. *** That would be hilary@ i_know_nothing.com
10. British researchers have found that depression, hallucinations and psychosis can be triggered by meditation. *** Think about that.