1. Russia’s defense minister says his country is developing a special gun that can temporarily shut down a target’s higher mental capacities and turn them into easily controlled “zombies.” *** I believe we already developed something like that here in the U.S. It’s called Scientology.
2. Today is National Free Donut Day. *** Or as the cops call it, Friday.
3. Last week Detroit police cordoned off a downtown street after some unidentified barrels were spotted there. *** Actually, authorities were alarmed because they noticed the street had no potholes. Very suspicious.
4. The Army’s new camouflage uniforms will be in military stores beginning July 1st. *** People should start finding them by July 2nd.
5. Doctors in Switzerland say Secretary of State John Kerry suffered a broken leg and abrasions when his bicycle hit a curb. *** However, they’re pretty sure that hallucinating about Iran being trustworthy was a pre-existing condition.
6. A man in Flint, Michigan has been arrested and charged with stealing 32 tons of bacon over a period of four years. *** It took a while, but police were eventually able to nab him by staking out the admissions desks at all the cardiac wards.
7. The U.S. Supreme Court overturned the conviction of a man who had posted threating messages on Facebook. Chief Justice John Roberts wrote the majority opinion, *** which stated that Facebook posts are trivial, inconsequential and meaningless unless they include a cat.
8. Dustin Diamond, the actor who played “Screech” in the sitcom “Saved by the Bell,” has just been found guilty of a misdemeanor stemming from a 2014 bar fight involving a knife. *** I believe the charge was “Shouting with an annoying voice.”
9. “Bachelor” reality star Chris Soule says it was really difficult to break off his engagement with Whitney Bischoff. *** First he had to find someone to write the script, then he had to memorize his lines, then he had to get wardrobe approval, then he had to make it look unrehearsed…
10. McDonald’s says part of its recovery strategy is to win back customers with better buns. *** Why do they want customers with better buns?