1. In its promotion of Sangria Herbal Tea, a Starbucks ad says, “Stir, sip and smile.” *** McDonald’s has a similar line for its hot coffee: “Spill, scream and sue.”
2. A huge fight broke out at a Wal-Mart in upstate New York after someone criticized a woman’s dress and family members armed themselves with bats from the sporting goods section. *** According to a company press release, “the combatants selected the Professional Model Louisville Slugger, regularly priced at $29.95, currently on sale at 25% off, and proceeded to our well-stocked clothing section which features the latest in designer fashions…”
3. The FBI announced that it is officially ending its 45 year search for D.B. Cooper, who parachuted from a plane in 1971 with a sack full of ransom money. *** Having exhausted all other avenues, their last hope was that he would eventually come forward and claim his unused frequent flier miles.
4. Mark Zuckerberg revealed that he recently fell off his bike and seriously injured himself. *** He posted the details on his new website, “FaceBroke.”
5. Caitlyn Jenner posted a Twitter picture of herself with her first Jenner grandson. *** Transma?
6. On this date in history: Jul 15, 1922 – A duck-billed platypus is publicly exhibited in the U.S. for the first time, at the New York Zoo. *** It was immediately clear that Noah should never have let the animals play together.
7. On this date in history: Jul 14, 1989 – The 16th James Bond movie, "License to Kill," premiers. *** It was a lot more exciting than the first 15 movies, in which he only had a license to hurt.
8. On this date in history: Jul 13, 1917 – A vision of the Virgin Mary appears to children of Fatima, Portugal. *** Wow—if there was ever a time that a kid could have used Facebook…
9. On this date in history: Jul 12, 1543 – English King Henry VIII weds Catherine Parr, his 6th and final wife. *** She ultimately outlived him, thanks to a clever no-beheading clause in the prenup.
10. On this date in history: Jul 11, 1812 – The U.S. invades Canada at the Detroit border. *** Of course, that was before you needed a passport.