1. After receiving multiple complaints, the Toronto Animal Service informed Justin Bieber that they will not allow him to take any more pictures posing with lions. *** Unless he’s their dinner.
2. Chris Christie defended Melania Trump against charges of plagiarism by pointing out that 93% of her speech was entirely original. *** Mr. Christie also proudly noted that for 93% of his time in office his staff did not shut down lanes on a bridge.
3. On the first night of the Republican National Convention, a huge cheer erupted when Rudy Giuliani said, “You know who you are and we’re coming to get you.” *** Wow—I had no idea Republicans were so fanatical about finding Pokémon.
4. In an interview with Bill O’Reilly, Donald Trump said he had to overcome huge obstacles in his campaign because “the system is rigged.” *** But, Mr. Trump is still in the running, which proves one thing: Someone’s gotta do a better job of rigging.
5. The TSA is urging the public to adopt dogs that didn’t quite qualify for airport security duties. *** The agency added that employees who aren’t working out are also available for adoption. (And some of those checkpoint personnel can be quite “frisky.”)
6. On this date in history: Jul 22, 1854 – J. R. Hind discovers a new asteroid. *** You know, some jokes just write themselves.
7. On this date in history: Jul 21, 1940 – The Soviet Union annexes Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania. *** These days, of course, they just get better Olympic teams by doping.
8. On this date in history: Jul 20, 1969 – Apollo 11 lands on the moon with Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin. *** They immediately began looking for geological items of interest. Today they’d just start searching for Pokémon.
9. On this date in history: Jul 19, 1553 – 15-year-old Lady Jane Grey is deposed as England's queen after 9 days. *** Afterwards she said, “OMG, it was like so boring. It was totally not fun. I had to sit on this big stupid chair with a dumb hat and smile at people and I’m just like “What-ev-ver…”
10. On this date in history: Jul 18, 1814 – The British capture Prairie du Chien, Wisconsin. *** The battle was quite a spectacle: The British in their fancy uniforms fighting a ragtag army of Wisconsinites wearing foam cheese hats.