News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 18, 2019

1.   After an analysis of attractive facial proportions as determined by famous artists, cosmetic surgeon Dr. Julian De Silva announced that Bella Hadid is the most beautiful woman in the world.  ***  However, he was interrupted by a colleague, Dr. Kanye West, who declared, “Imma let you finish, but Beyonce is one of the most beautiful women of all time.”

2.   The Paris Zoo is now displaying a strange organism which has baffled scientists who determined it has 720 sexes but no brain.   ***   Sounds like something on “The Kardashians.”

3.   After stranding passengers in the air for several hours last week, Walt Disney World’s Skyliner gondola has now been re-opened, but with some operational changes.   ***  Also, they’ve added a sign showing Mickey Mouse with outstretched arms saying, “To go on this ride, your bladder must be THIS big.”

4.   The chief bodyguard for Pope Francis resigned yesterday as authorities investigated the leak of a confidential Vatican document.   ***  The document was apparently top secret; it was kept in a vault and was reportedly written in an obscure ancient secret code known only as “Latin.”

5.   A Taiwanese tourist was arrested for wearing a very revealing string bikini at a Philippines resort; management had told her not to wear it but she said it was “a form of art."   ***  And now she claims the authorities were trying to frame her.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 11, 2019

1.   The 2019 Nobel Prize in Literature has been awarded to Peter Handke for “an influential work that with linguistic ingenuity has explored the periphery and the specificity of human experience."   ***  In other words, no pictures.

2.   Harley-Davidson announced it will begin manufacturing an electric motorcycle.   ***   For customers who miss the roar of a gasoline engine, dealers will install a huge baseball card in the spokes.

3.   McDonald’s has announced plans to make drive-thru lines considerably shorter.   ***   All customers will be required to drive smaller cars.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 4, 2019

1.   At 88 years old, Regis Philbin reportedly wants 72 year old Susan Lucci to join him on a nationwide singing tour.   ***   At that age, performers prefer duets so at least one of them remembers the words.

2.   Justin Timberlake was tackled while attending a Fashion Week show in Paris.   ***   Wow—those French really have no tolerance for someone wearing last year’s style. 

3.   Lamborghini, the manufacturer of flashy, exotic sports cars, announced it may soon develop an electric supercar.  ***   However, the company has some safety concerns and is worried that the high-voltage electrical systems might get shorted out by the driver’s gold chains.

4.   Nissan is recalling one million cars because the back-up cameras may have stopped working.  ***   Until the cameras are fixed, Nissan is urging owners to use alternate measures for rearward vision, such as strapping a small child to the rear bumper.

5.   Wally Conron, the man who created the popular mixed-breed “Labradoodle,” says it is one of his biggest regrets because he meant it to be a guide dog, not a “fashion accessory.”   ***   He said if he just wanted to create something fashionable to put on a leash it would have involved a Kardashian.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 27, 2019

1.   The seat selection screen on the Japan Air Lines reservation website identifies seats with babies so passengers can avoid sitting near them.  ***  On airlines in the U.S., whining and crying can be avoided by not sitting next to someone from the opposite political party.

2.   In the Pacific Ocean, the U.S. Coast Guard captured a small submarine that was filled with $165 million worth of cocaine.    ***   Authorities became suspicious when they saw the vessel snorting white powder through the periscope. 

3.   During a recent Arctic expedition by the Russian navy, a small landing craft was sunk by a mother walrus who was protecting her cubs.   ***   Goo Goo Ga Joob!

4.   In Muskegon, Michigan, a police officer was fired after Ku Klux Klan material was found in his home, but he claims he just collects memorabilia associated with the “Dukes of Hazzard” TV show.  ***  However, he stumbled when trying to explain why he never bought his wife a pair of Daisy Dukes.

5.   A lot of people are confused by the title of Brad Pitt’s latest film, “Ad Astra.”   ***   I mean, who wants to see a movie about Ed Asner with a cold?

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 20, 2019

1.   After fracturing her arm while rehearsing for “Dancing with the Stars,” Christie Brinkley told ABC, “I have to find a silver lining.”  ***   OK, but I think that’s kind of snobbish and it will itch even more than an ordinary cast.

2.   Officials in New Mexico announced a plan to provide free college tuition for all state residents.  ***   However, they said parents would still need to pay for books, living expenses and bribes to the admissions office.

3.   Accused Wikileaks fugitive Edward Snowden says he would like to come back to the U.S. if he could get a fair trial.  ***  Or at least be tried on a televised episode of “Judge Judy.”

4.   A transatlantic flight was diverted to Ireland after the pilot spilled coffee on the controls, causing heat, smoke and a burning odor.  ***  Hmmm, sounds like Starbuck’s extra-strong morning-wake-up blend.

5.   For adventurous travelers, a unique hotel—the North Pole Igloos—will be opening at the North Pole in April, 2020.   ***   The only drawback is that you have to help make toys.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 13, 2019

1.   The designer of the Seibu Railway commuter train in Japan says his intent was to “make a train that feels like a living room.”   ***   So, every 15 minutes someone comes in and fights you for the remote, complains about the temperature and tells you to get your shoes off the couch.

2.   Researchers at the Smithsonian have identified a new species of electric eel that can generate 30% more voltage than the previously known species.   ***   They determined that by connecting the eels to a Tesla and measuring the top speed.

3.   On Monday, President Trump took Air Force One to North Carolina to see the aftermath of Hurricane Dorian.  ***  Then, to see the most extreme damage, he told the pilots to fly over Alabama and look for an area surrounded by a thick black line.

4.   Scientists at Seattle’s Allen Institute have developed a robot that was able to pass an 8^th grade science test.  ***   But the really impressive thing is that while taking the test it was also throwing spitwads.

5.   A miniature horse was allowed on a recent American Airlines flight because it was a passenger’s “support animal.”  ***  “Flight 555 to Omaha is now boarding at Corral #2.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 6, 2019

1.   Harvard researchers have found that football players who suffer concussions are more likely to develop erectile dysfunction.  ***  As a result, the NFL has revised its “concussion protocol,” and players sent to the locker room after a hard hit now get to take a much different test.

2.   A recent survey found that people become impatient when a traffic light takes more than 25 seconds to change or when a web page takes more than 16 seconds to load.  ***   Or when a survey takes more than 2 seconds to complete.

3.   Billy Bush, who interviewed Donald Trump in the infamous “Access Hollywood” tape, has been hired as the new host of “Extra,” although the producers renamed it “Extra Extra.”   ***   And they made him change his name to Billy Billy.

4.   A study at the University of Alabama found that children whose diets include a lot of fast food are more likely to suffer from depression.   ***   Well, I guess the folks at McDonald’s are going to need a new name for Happy Meals.