News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Jan 17, 2020

1.   The Everlane shoe company announced it is discontinuing Angelina Jolie’s favorite shoe, the Modern Loafer.  ***  When asked if she’ll miss the Modern Loafer, Angelina said, “No, I’m glad I divorced him.”

2.   Chinese authorities are claiming that members of a banned religious minority have happily “graduated” from the country’s oppressive prison camp system.   ***  Ah yes, there’s nothing like watching students march up the aisle at a commencement ceremony and hearing “Pomp and Circumstance” over the rattling of their shackles.

3.   After Prince Harry and Meghan announced they were stepping back from their senior roles in the British royalty, Madame Tussauds Wax Museum immediately removed their wax figures from the “Royal Family” display.   ***  Queen Elizabeth said Harry’s figure should be returned to the display, but suggested they could just replace Meghan with an inflatable doll. (She said Charles did that with Camilla and no one ever noticed.)  

4.   Uber is working with Hyundai to develop an electric airplane for providing Uber services in the sky.  ***   Wow, that’s an amazing upgrade! Now you can be intimidated, insulted and harassed by a pilot.

5.   This year the Girl Scouts are offering a new cookie, “Lemon-Ups,” which are wafers stamped with positive affirmations such as "I Am a Leader" and "I Am a Go-Getter."  ***  As well as “There goes my diet,” “Why am I eating these?” and “I need more willpower.”

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Jan 10, 2020

1.   The picturesque Austrian village of Hallstatt, which inspired the setting of Disney’s “Frozen” movies, is trying to manage the daily influx of 10,000 disruptive and annoying tourists by limiting the number of tour busses, preventing visitors from interrupting church services…   ***  …and expelling anyone who won’t stop singing “Let it Go.“ 

2.   The U.S. Army has issued a warning about fraudulent text messages that instruct the recipient to report to the nearest Army recruiting branch "for immediate departure to Iran."  ***   Hey, I’d never fall for that obvious scam…but if they told me I’d be sent to Nigeria and paid in gold bars…

3.   Yum Brands recently agreed to buy hamburger giant Habit Grill, which will join Yum’s current holdings of Pizza Hut, Taco Bell and Kentucky Fried Chicken.  ***  As the final step in its corporate strategy, Yum now plans to purchase a leading manufacturer of defibrillators.

4.   Russian archaeologists recently unearthed the ancient tomb of four “Amazon warrior women” who had lived around 500 B.C.  ***   Historians say Amazon warriors could be fierce fighters, but mostly they just sold and delivered stuff.

5.   Instead of playing taps, a U.S. Army base in South Korea accidentally sounded an alert siren that could indicate incoming missiles.  *** Afterwards, an Army spokesman apologized and said there was no harm done, except for extra long lines at the base laundromat.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 3, 2020

1.   According to Politico, at a holiday celebration at Mar-a-Lago President Trump casually mingled with the guests and was “just another guy in the buffet line.”  ***  And after the holidays his armored SUV was just another car in the line at the McDonalds drive-thru.

2.   As Pope Francis was greeting people in St. Peter’s Square on New Year’s Eve, a woman suddenly yanked the pontiff toward her and he angrily gave her two quick slaps on the hand.   ***   That was a shock—normally priests are taught to exercise restraint and only use that kind of slap when someone tries to reach into the collection basket.

3.   Queen Elizabeth has awarded Olivia Newton-John a “damehood” for “services to charity, cancer research, and entertainment.”  ***   A ceremony to bestow the honor will be held as soon as Prince Charles is ready to show off a few dance moves while singing, “I got chills…they’re multiplyin’…”

4.   In a new tourism campaign, the government of the Netherlands points out that Holland is actually just two of the country’s 12 provinces, so referring to the entire country as “Holland” is not accurate.   ***   They said it’s like referring to the 50 American states as “United.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 27, 2019

1.   To improve worker productivity, a British firm has designed a toilet with a 13-degree slope that makes it painful to sit on for more than five minutes and discourages employees from spending too much time in the bathroom.   ***  Previously, supervisors just shut off the vent fan.

2.   After making disparaging and suggestive on-air remarks about his co-workers, hockey analyst Jeremy Roenick was suspended by NBC for “inappropriate comments.”   ***  Network officials later explained that “inappropriate comments” would include anything negative about co-workers…or anything positive about the Detroit Red Wings.

3.   Detroit police are now searching for the driver of a red Camaro who blocked traffic on I-94 while showing off and doing “donuts” in the middle of the freeway.  ***  Dozens of police were reportedly disappointed after responding to the dispatcher’s announcement of “Donuts on I-94.”

4.   This past weekend Michigan road crews worked to clean up a mysterious green substance that had been oozing out of the ground and onto I-696 in Madison Heights. ***  After a thorough analysis, the EPA investigator issued this report:

I do not like that yucky green.

I do not like what I have seen.

I do not like it on the road.

I do not like it in the cold.

I do not like it in this town.

I do not like it all around.

I do not like green ooze and slime.

I do not like it any time.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 20, 2019

1.   To make military dogs more effective at their tasks, the Army is planning to equip them with upgraded cameras.  ***  They’ll also be given their own Facebook page and taught how to take selfies.

2.   After airing a commercial that showed two women exchanging wedding vows and kissing, the Hallmark Channel was criticized by the group One Million Moms, which complained that the ad was inconsistent with the network’s family friendly programming.   ***   And some viewers are concerned that this sort of thing could lead to the ultimate betrayal: Hallmark Christmas Movies with unhappy endings.

3.   Researchers in Italy have found that eating hot chili peppers four times a week can dramatically reduce a person’s chances of having a heart attack or a stroke.  ***  Or getting a second date.

4.   Students staying at the Hyatt Regency in Minneapolis found hidden cameras in their hotel rooms.   ***   They reportedly became suspicious when a maid said she needed to deliver fresh towels, clean the room and adjust the focus.

5.   A woman in Australia found a 10-foot python wrapped around the branches of her Christmas tree.  ***  Actually, she didn’t realize it was a snake until she plugged its tail into a socket.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 13, 2019

1.   British authorities have charged four people with being members of an outlawed neo-Nazi group, including a young woman who had entered the organization’s “Miss Hitler” contest. ***  In fact, the investigators first became suspicious when they observed several beautiful women lined up wearing swimsuits, sashes and strange little moustaches.

2.   A 9 year old Belgian boy has dropped out of a Dutch university because school officials insisted on a schedule that would not have given him a degree until after he turned 10.  ***  Also, they refused to give him credits for morning and afternoon recess.

3.   According to a consumer warning from the FBI, the latest “smart” TV’s have cameras and can watch me while I’m sitting in my recliner watching TV .  ***  You know, if those TV’s are so smart, you’d think they could find something better to do.

4.   KFC is now selling chicken-scented fireplace logs.  ***  Ah yes, that smoky fragrance takes me back to the days when it was easier to catch a hen than chop wood.

5.   Ford is recalling 261,000 pick-up trucks because the tailgate could fly open.   ***  Company officials said the driver would still be able to maintain control of the vehicle, but under certain conditions all the empty beer cans could roll out.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 6, 2019

1.   North Korea has warned the United States that we should prepare for an unspecified “Christmas gift.”   ***  Dang, I hate it when North Korea draws our name in “Secret Santa.”

2.   In a tense moment at yesterday’s NATO conference, President Trump said Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau was “two-faced.”  ***  That was quite a nasty insult, because Mr. Trump has absolutely no respect for people who are “two faced” … or, actually, anything less than five.

3.   In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said emotional moments now often cause him to cry, but previously, over the past 20 years, he had never cried.   ***   Hmmm, apparently Angelina wasn’t a very good dominatrix.       

4.   A recent study of pre-historic fossils concluded that for 70 million years snakes had rear legs.  ***  Sadly, throughout their 70 million year evolution those poor reptiles had to put up with never ending “snake jokes” and cruel taunts about “pushing on a rope.”

5.   After serving almost 18 months of his prison sentence, Bill Cosby has finally broken his silence.   ***   It was reportedly right after the cafeteria introduced “Burrito Night.”