1. People in Melbourne, Australia were shocked when a hospital faxed 200 notices regarding patients who had been discharged, but a clerical error had replaced the word “discharged” with “dead.” *** Actually, the notices weren’t wrong—just early.
2. A study published in the Journal of Nutrition says that eating a lot of ramen noodles may increase the risk of cardiovascular disease or stroke. *** Which is unfortunate, since people on a diet of ramen noodles probably can’t afford the hospital bills.
3. Lindsay Lohan is preparing for her stage debut in a London play, but in a newspaper interview she confessed that she is nervous and afraid she’ll “mess up” opening night. *** Like getting arrested in the morning.
4. Russia has given permission for NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden to stay there for an additional three years. *** I believe this is a humanitarian gesture. Based on a recent photograph, it looks like it will take that long for his beard to grow out.
5. After being charged with driving under the influence, Justin Bieber has pleaded guilty to a lesser offense of careless driving, and has agreed to take an anger management class. *** Actually, in his case it’s a temper tantrum management class. (It’s like anger management, but they color pictures, take naps and have recess.)
6. Harley-Davidson is recalling 3,000 motorcycles because excess vibration can cause the ignition switch to turn off. *** To ensure all Harley owners are effectively notified, a corrective action bulletin is now available in the form of a tattoo.
7. An article on match.com says that men should watch for certain “red flags” when dating a divorced woman. *** For example, if her ex has been murdered and she’s out on bail.
8. Taylor Swift reportedly wore a racy outfit to the Teen Choice Awards, shedding her “girl-next-door” look. *** Her new look is “girl-you-wish-was-next-door.”
9. According to an article in the journal “Neurology,” people who don’t get enough vitamin D have a higher risk of developing Alzheimer’s. *** In other words, if you don’t remember to take your vitamin D today, then chances are you won’t remember to take it tomorrow.
10. A truck crashed near Lansing, Michigan and dumped 25 tons of human waste on the highway. *** Wow—and we thought Michigan roads were …uh…crappy before.