1. A startup company has developed a wearable airbag for elderly people. It inflates to protect their hip bones if they fall down. *** Unfortunately, it then takes them two or three minutes to stop bouncing.
2. The Islamic terrorist group ISIS claims it is burning massive marijuana fields in Syria. *** It’s not because of their anti-drug beliefs--They just figure it’s an easy way to get everybody downwind to mellow out and surrender.
3. The Ralph Lauren company has developed a polo shirt with integrated wires and electronics that can send a Bluetooth signal giving the wearer’s pulse, breathing rate and other parameters. *** But most importantly, it will alert the wearer at the precise moment when the shirt goes out of style.
4. Joan Rivers is in stable condition after she stopped breathing during throat surgery. *** Doctors immediately knew something was wrong--not because she stopped breathing, but because she stopped talking.
5. According to a 22 year-long study by Georgia Southern University, parents of obese children are becoming less likely to recognize that their kids are overweight. *** Obamacare is responding to this disturbing trend by reaching out to the parents and offering free eyeglasses.
6. A United Airlines flight to Denver was forced to land in Chicago after a fight broke out when one passenger prevented the woman in front of him from reclining her seat by using a special device called a “Knee Defender.” *** Most people know the device by its other name: Taser.
7. Owners of two Taco Bell restaurants in Manhattan are accused of counterfeiting after giving customers fake $20 bills in change. *** And in a second charge of counterfeiting, they are also accused of trying to pass off their food as Mexican.
8. In order to attract more business travelers, United Airlines says it’s going to begin offering hot meals. *** They’re going to heat up the peanuts.
9. A 78 year old woman in Germantown, Pennsylvania shot and wounded her 45 year old son. *** So, after 45 years she’s still trying to get him to eat his vegetables.
10. The Government Accountability Office says the swap of five Taliban prisoners for Army Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl was illegal. *** So, pack your bags, Bowe, you’re going back.