1. Republican congressmen are having difficulty finalizing border control legislation before they leave Washington for a five-week summer break. *** They’re afraid that if the law is too restrictive, they might leave the country for vacation and not be able to get back in.
2. The CIA has apologized for spying on Senate computers. *** However, the agency assured the lawmakers that all pornography, fantasy baseball records and romantic e-mails with staffers were left intact.
3. According to the Washington Post, Massachusetts is the most cat-friendly state and has the highest ratio of cats to dogs. *** Meanwhile, a related study found that residents of Massachusetts also spend the most time on Facebook.
4. In a recent speech, Turkey’s Deputy Prime Minister said it is immoral for women to laugh in public. *** In order to identify offenders, he has ordered the vice squad to hit the street and tell jokes.
5. North Korea is now threatening a nuclear attack on the White House. *** Or, even worse, they may send Dennis Rodman.
6. Red Lobster is trying to upgrade its image by dropping some promotional discounts, adding new menu items, *** and telling the lobsters in the tank, “Welcome to SeaWorld!”
7. Many cat owners in Vietnam are losing their pets because people there have developed a taste for feline meat as a snack. *** That’s terrible! Now what are they going to post on Facebook?
8. A freighter carrying 22,000 tons of wheat ran aground in the Detroit River. *** Diet-conscious people living downstream are now living in fear of a huge torrent of gluten.
9. A Boy Scout returning from Canada tried to retrieve a bag during customs inspection and was held at gunpoint by a TSA agent. *** This was actually good news, because being held at gunpoint at a border crossing is one of the requirements for the Immigration merit badge.
10. Former WWE champion wrestler Daniel Bryan caught and detained a burglar who was running from his home. *** It wasn’t easy. Before chasing the guy he had to put on his Speedo and talk trash over a PA system.