1. In a New York Times interview, TV host Larry King talked about funeral plans, although he previously said he’ll have his body cryogenically frozen in hopes that he could someday be revived. *** So, he won’t be permanently dead, but just in a state of “suspendered animation.”
2. Several senior citizens were arrested for staging a protest by standing in the road and blocking traffic on the “Magnificent Mile” in downtown Chicago. *** That’s quite a change in strategy. Usually they block traffic by hopping in a Buick and driving very, very slowly.
3. The Kraft Heinz Food Company is recalling two million pounds of turkey bacon. *** An alert employee suddenly realized that bacon isn’t made from turkey.
4. A fourth American who helped the other three Americans subdue the attacker on a Paris-bound train has been identified. *** Investigators also found that there had been several Frenchmen onboard during the incident, but their military training kicked in and they immediately began stitching a white flag.
5. Ashley Madison subscriber and porno addict Josh Duggar is hiding out in an Arkansas farmhouse with his wife because he wants some peace and quiet…and no Internet. *** OK, I was kidding about no Internet.
6. Monday was National Waffle Day. *** In honor of the occasion, all the presidential candidates avoided taking positions on key issues.
7. A few celebrities have been revealed as subscribers to the Ashley Madison cheating web site. *** Of course, they can still use that other cheating site—Hollywood.
8. Hacked data from the Ashley Madison website shows that West Virginia has the lowest percentage of married people having affairs. *** Yes, those West Virginians have high standards and would never cheat on their cousins.
9. Josh Duggar has retracted his posted confession about being addicted to pornography. *** He found out he had just been watching MTV.
10. Art historians now say that Leonardo da Vinci intentionally painted the Mona Lisa such that she appears happy and cheerful from a distance, but when viewed up close she is melancholy and hostile. *** The researchers say they first became aware of this phenomena while watching the audience at a Donald Trump rally.