News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 31, 2018

1.   California Congressman Duncan Hunter, who has been accused of misusing campaign funds, is claiming that he had let his wife handle all the finances.   ***    People everywhere found his story hard to believe until he explained that in return she lets him have the TV remote.

2.   A lot of Brits are complaining that 5 year old Prince George was brought along on a family grouse hunt.  ***  Of course, royal family grouse hunts are something special, and it’s always exciting to see the firepower of the Royal Air Force.

3.   The Statue of Liberty was evacuated earlier this week because of a fire scare.   ***  Afterwards, officials tried to calm frightened tourists by explaining, “Look, it’s not a real torch.” 

4.   Former Spice Girl singer Mel B checked herself into a rehab facility to deal with alcohol and sex addiction.   ***   She was dropped off by a really happy Uber driver.

5.   With many pilots nearing retirement age, airlines are aggressively recruiting replacements.   ***   I wouldn’t say they’re relaxing their standards, but a few people in the job fair lines had white canes.

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 31, 1971 – Astronaut Dave Scott becomes the first person to drive a car on the Moon.  ***  And he became the only driver to ever encounter potholes worse than Michigan’s.

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 30, 1963 – The “Hot line” communications link between the White House and the Kremlin begins operation.  ***   So far, President Trump has only used it on Valentine’s Day.

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 29, 1854 – Daniel Halladay patents the first “self-governing windmill.”   ***   Don’t get that confused with the first politician, who was a “self-governing windbag.”  

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 28, 1983 – Joseph Kreckman sets a record of shooting 2,215 clay pigeons in one hour.  ***  And he never even took them out of the box.

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 27, 1945 – Thirteen days after the Japanese announced their surrender, U.S. troops land in Japan.   ***  The relieved Japanese said, “NOW can we put our hands down?”

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 24, 2018

1.   At a recent Beverly Hills bash Kim Kardashian was fashionably accessorized with a $5,000 purse designed to look like it was filled with french fries.  ***  You know, to match her hips.

2.   Jimmy Buffet is opening a string of Margaritaville-themed retirement communities.  ***  Each residence comes with a front porch swing, a six string guitar and a blender…and, for people who tend to lose things, an extra shaker of salt.

3.   Nabisco is redesigning its Animal Cracker boxes and will no longer show the animals in cages.  ***  So, children can now learn to respect animals and their natural habitat, before they pull them from the box and bite their heads off.

4.   The EPA has repealed federal emissions regulations for coal-fired powerplants.  ***  After checking to make sure all those coal-burning sites were downwind of the White House.

5.   Researchers at Massachusetts General Hospital found that men who wear brief-style undershorts have lower sperm counts, and they believe it’s because the tight fitting garment causes higher scrotal temperatures.  ***  Oh, So, for the welfare of future generations, environmentalists should be concerned about “scrotal warming.”

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 24, 1853 – In Saratoga, New York, George Crum makes the world’s first potato chips.   ***   In a visionary move, he packaged them just like Pringles, although it took forever to find ones that all fit together.

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 23, 1919 – The "Gasoline Alley" comic strip premieres in The Chicago Tribune.  ***   The comic has recently been updated and is now called “Hybrid Gas & Electric Alley.”

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 22, 1906 – The first Victor Victrola phonograph is manufactured.  ***  Of course, visionaries realized that in the future millions of people would listen to recordings through tiny earbuds, with the Victrola machine strapped to their back.

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 21, 1945 - President Truman ends the Lend-Lease program.   ***  He was sick and tired of people not returning the White House lawnmower, hedge trimmer and tools.

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 20, 1794 – General “Mad Anthony” Wayne routes the Indians in a battle at Fallen Timbers, Ohio.   ***   He was so relieved he immediately changed his name to “Happy Anthony.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 17, 2018

1.   President Trump’s military parade has been postponed, apparently because the $12 million cost estimate has ballooned to $92 million.   ***   And because the members of his cabinet are still refusing to wear funny hats and zoom around in tiny motorized cars. 

2.   In Connecticut, two ladies working in a high school cafeteria have been accused of stealing—over a period of several years—$ 500,000 in lunch money.   ***  Wow—how many kids did they have to beat up in the parking lot?

3.   Experts say that sleeping in a cool room can lead to weight loss.  ***  So, there are a lot of skinny Eskimos? 

4.   David Joyner, the man who played Barney the Dinosaur, now provides a sex service known as “tantra massage.”   ***   The details of his personal technique have not been revealed, although he did name his business “Fifty Shades of Purple.”

5.   In Chillicothe, Ohio, a woman gave birth to a baby boy in a Burger King bathroom while she was overdosing on heroin.  ***   But the saddest part of the story was that she named the kid “Whopper.”

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 17, 1846 – In the Mexican-American war, U.S. forces take over Los Angeles.   ***   And we’re still stuck with it.

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 16, 1898 – The roller coaster is patented.  ***  Actually, the patent was quite broad and covered any ride that makes you throw up.

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 15, 1899 – Louisville's Henry Dowling strikes out 5 times in one game.   ***  Previously, his worst record was striking out 4 times with the same woman.

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 14, 1962 – A U.S. mail truck in Plymouth, Massachusetts is robbed of $1.5 million.  ***  It wasn’t easy—the thieves had to open 300,000 birthday cards sent by grandmothers and take out all the $5 bills. 

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 13, 1961 – Construction of the Berlin Wall begins in East Germany.   ***   Actually, construction had been delayed for several months while they tried to get Mexico to pay for it. 

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 10, 2018

1.   On a “Fox & Friends” segment about North Korea, Jillian Mele said, “Kim Jong Un is quite the romantic.”  ***  Yes, nothing says “ambiance” like wine, cheese and candlelight while watching a late night execution.

2.   The Reader’s Digest website has an article on “How to Unlock Your Car Door without a Key in 30 Seconds.”  ***  Park it in downtown Detroit and walk away. 

3.   Thai citizenship has been granted to three of the boys who were trapped in a cave for two weeks and then extricated by a harrowing rescue through two miles of flooded tunnels.  ***   The U.S. Congress was impressed and is now considering a similar citizenship process for DACA.

4.   The Hood company has recalled its Vanilla Almond Breeze almond milk because it may actually contain some dairy milk.  ***  How could they possibly get dairy and almond milks confused? Everyone knows that milk-giving cows are the ones without the nuts. 

5.   While attempting the “Keke Challenge,” which involves jumping out of a moving car while dancing to a hip-hop song, an 18 year old Iowa girl fell and suffered a fractured skull.  ***  Yes, doctors say skulls are always more likely to fracture when there’s nothing inside.

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 10, 1846 – The Smithsonian Institution, sometimes referred to as “the nation's attic," is established by Congress. ***   Sometimes referred to as “the nation’s swamp.”

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 9, 1803 – The first horses arrive in Hawaii.  ***   Really?  They couldn’t just take their vacations in a pasture back home?

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 8, 1918 – After 6 U.S. soldiers are surrounded in France, Alvin York shoots 20 Germans and captures 132 more.  ***  After the war, the German government gave each of those 132 soldiers the coveted “Stupid Dummkopf Award.”

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 7, 1789 – The U.S. War Department is established.   ***  And it did a great job of creating and maintaining wars for many, many years.

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 6, 1961 – Russian cosmonaut Gherman Titov becomes the first person to report motion sickness in space.  ***  Unfortunately, he had to  spend the rest of the flight trying to clean his helmet.

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 3, 2018

1.   McDonald’s is now celebrating the 50th anniversary of the Big Mac, and after all those years Big Macs are still going strong.  ***   Which is probably more than you can say for the people who have been eating them.

2.   Charlie Sheen has filed documents asking the courts to revise his child support payments, claiming that he has been “unable to find steady work” and is suffering from “a dire financial crisis.”  ***   In fact, things are so bad that although he still parties in four-star hotel rooms, he can no longer afford to trash them.

3.   Police in Greenville, South Carolina were called to a Costco store after two men in their 70’s got into a fight over free samples.   ***   Actually, they were fighting over the 80 year old cutie who was handing them out.

4.   Yesterday was National Whistleblower Day.    ***    President Trump apparently misunderstood the concept and observed Whistleblower Day by sending out several tweets.

5.   In drug-related violence in the Philippines, two city mayors were recently shot.   ***   Meanwhile, for most mayors here in the U.S., the biggest risk is losing a finger during a ribbon cutting ceremony.

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 3, 1860 – The American Canoe Association is founded at New York’s Lake George.   ***  Actually, I think the Indians beat them by a few hundred years.

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 2, 1989 – NASA confirmed Voyager 2's discovery of three more moons of Neptune, temporarily designated 1989 N2, 1989 N3 and 1989 N24.  ***  Later they were given their permanent names: Curly, Larry and Moe.

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 1, 1976 – Liz Taylor finalizes her 6^th divorce when she divorces Richard Burton for the second time.  ***   For her future marriages, she always made sure to itemize the irreconcilable differences in advance.

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 31, 1964 – Ranger 7 takes 4,316 pictures before crashing into the surface of the Moon.  ***  Too bad about the inevitable ending, but photo #4,316 was an amazing close-up of a rock.

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 30, 1969 – Barbra Streisand opens for Liberace at the International Hotel in Las Vegas.  ***  Her job was to warm up the audience and then light the candelabra. 

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 27, 2018

1.   A company in Missouri is marketing “Redneck Sandals,” which have a lower portion like a typical sandal, but an upper portion like a cowboy boot.   ***    Of course, they’re not practical for horseback riding because it’s hard to get on a horse that’s doubled over with laughter.

2.   Stormy Daniels’ husband, fellow porn star Glendon Crain, has filed for divorce and asked the judge to issue a restraining order.   ***   That’s so sad. I’m sure they both remember happier times when they’d grab some handcuffs and restrain each other voluntarily.

3.   Lamborghini has recalled its Aventador SV models after reports that under certain conditions the wheels could come off.  ***  For example, if you parked it overnight in Detroit.

4.   A woman who had been sunbathing on a Maryland beach is recovering after being impaled by a wind-blown beach umbrella.  ***  Boy, talk about “throwing shade” at someone…

5.   In Austin, Texas, a fire broke out at a food factory because of spontaneous combustion of recently baked tortilla chips.  ***   Firefighters were finally able to control the blaze after calling in a pumper truck filled with salsa.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 27, 1866 –  The 1,686 mile long Atlantic telegraph cable is successfully laid for communications between the U.S. and Europe.  ***  Messages could be sent by tugging on either end.

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 26, 1908 – Attorney General Charles J. Bonaparte issues a written order that establishes the FBI and calls for a force of “special agents.”   ***   The directive also said they would carry special guns, drive special cars and work in special offices.   

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 25, 1983 – The first nonhuman primate, a baboon, is conceived in a lab dish.   ***   Of course, to hold the mommy and daddy it had to be a really big lab dish.

9.   On this date in history:  July 24, 1925 – Tennessee high school instructor John Scopes is found guilty and fined $100 for teaching evolution.   ***   And a Mr. Cliff was fined $25 for publishing a short summary.

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 23, 1931 – France announces it cannot afford to send a team to the 1932 Los Angeles Olympics.   ***  They could fund the travel, food and lodging, but not the must-have Dior travel outfits, Vuarnet sunglasses and Louis Vuitton luggage.  

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 20, 2018

1.   The FDA has announced that some dog foods have ingredients that can lead to canine heart attacks, and they recommend owners either stop buying those brands…   ***  …or start practicing CPR on their dog.

2.   Former “Today” host Matt Lauer is reportedly furious that he had to pay his ex-wife $50 million in their divorce settlement, but he’s optimistic about getting back into television.  ***   If he can just borrow cab fare to get to the interview.

3.   Crocs has added a new line of shoes, the “Cypress Heel,” which takes the traditional Crocs design and adds a high heel.   ***   It’s reminiscent of the ill-fated attempt to put high heels on flip-flops, which resulted in an epidemic of twisted ankles up and down every aisle at Walmart.   

4.   According to the Times of London, Prince Charles and Prince William could have joined the Queen in meeting President Trump but claimed that they had “other engagements.”   ***   Charles said it conflicted with his Zumba class and William said he had to mow the lawn.  

5.   Last week Stormy Daniels was arrested during a strip club routine and taken away in handcuffs.  ***  The famous porn star objected vehemently and tried to explain to the arresting officers that handcuffs usually have a fur lining and they always go on the guy.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 20, 1878 – The first telephone is introduced in Hawaii.   ***  Of course, it was pretty useless until they introduced the second telephone. 

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 19, 1848 – The first women's rights convention is held in Seneca Falls, New York.  ***  Attendees were kicked out if they had asked their husbands for permission.

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 18, 1940 – The first successful helicopter flight takes place in Stratford, Connecticut.   ***   Previously, the only successful hovering had been done by overly protective mothers.

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 17, 1955 – Arco, Idaho becomes the first U.S. city lit by nuclear power.  ***  It was a nice, soft glow from the reactor. 

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 16, 1926 – National Geographic takes the first natural color undersea photos.   ***   They were impressive, but most readers still preferred the shots of naked jungle women.