News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 1, 2019

1.   The Ronald Regan Presidential Library in Simi Valley was evacuated as the California wildfires got dangerously close.  ***   Authorities said they were concerned about the extreme flammability of jelly beans.

2.   Kanye West says he is “working for God” and his “job is spreading the Gospel.”   ***   Ah, a textbook example of how low unemployment results in a shortage of qualified candidates.

3.   Shigeru Miyamoto, the creator of video games such as Donkey Kong, Mario Bros., and The Legend of Zelda, will be given the “Person of Cultural Merit” award by the Japanese Government.   ***  Historians say it is the first time the award has been given to someone who has never been on a date and still lives in their parents’ basement. 

4.   At 61 years old, Madonna is dating a 24 year old guy who is one of her back up dancers.  ***  They’re called that because when Madonna falls down, they help her get back up.    

5.   A woman who was ejected from the Cannery casino in Las Vegas came back with her Winnebago motor home and drove through the front entrance, intentionally running over a custodian (who is now recovering).  ***  Apparently she wanted to make a clean getaway.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 25, 2019

1.   The Chemistry Club at Wayne State University has built the world’s largest periodic table, measuring over 500 feet across.  ***  And that doesn’t even include the chairs.

2.   Kim Jong Un says he plans to tear down facilities built by South Korea at a joint resort project in North Korea because they are “shabby and unpleasant looking.”  ***   The South Korean government disagreed, saying the buildings are actually quite attractive…and they said the upper floors will provide a terrific view of incoming missiles.

3.   Four American Airlines flight attendants arriving at the Miami airport with $22,000 in cash were arrested for suspected money laundering.   ***  Authorities are investigating their claim that at airport prices that barely covers their Cinnabon habit and souvenir T-shirts for all the relatives.

4.   A family of moose was recently seen casually walking at a shopping mall in Jackson, Wyoming, but residents of the area said that was not unusual.   ***   However, they said normally the moose don’t shop until the day-after-Thanksgiving sales.

5.   Kanye West told wife Kim Kardashian that a corset-style dress she wore to a recent event was “too sexy” and was hurting his “spiritual journey.”   ***   In other words, “It makes you look fat.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 18, 2019

1.   After an analysis of attractive facial proportions as determined by famous artists, cosmetic surgeon Dr. Julian De Silva announced that Bella Hadid is the most beautiful woman in the world.  ***  However, he was interrupted by a colleague, Dr. Kanye West, who declared, “Imma let you finish, but Beyonce is one of the most beautiful women of all time.”

2.   The Paris Zoo is now displaying a strange organism which has baffled scientists who determined it has 720 sexes but no brain.   ***   Sounds like something on “The Kardashians.”

3.   After stranding passengers in the air for several hours last week, Walt Disney World’s Skyliner gondola has now been re-opened, but with some operational changes.   ***  Also, they’ve added a sign showing Mickey Mouse with outstretched arms saying, “To go on this ride, your bladder must be THIS big.”

4.   The chief bodyguard for Pope Francis resigned yesterday as authorities investigated the leak of a confidential Vatican document.   ***  The document was apparently top secret; it was kept in a vault and was reportedly written in an obscure ancient secret code known only as “Latin.”

5.   A Taiwanese tourist was arrested for wearing a very revealing string bikini at a Philippines resort; management had told her not to wear it but she said it was “a form of art."   ***  And now she claims the authorities were trying to frame her.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 11, 2019

1.   The 2019 Nobel Prize in Literature has been awarded to Peter Handke for “an influential work that with linguistic ingenuity has explored the periphery and the specificity of human experience."   ***  In other words, no pictures.

2.   Harley-Davidson announced it will begin manufacturing an electric motorcycle.   ***   For customers who miss the roar of a gasoline engine, dealers will install a huge baseball card in the spokes.

3.   McDonald’s has announced plans to make drive-thru lines considerably shorter.   ***   All customers will be required to drive smaller cars.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 4, 2019

1.   At 88 years old, Regis Philbin reportedly wants 72 year old Susan Lucci to join him on a nationwide singing tour.   ***   At that age, performers prefer duets so at least one of them remembers the words.

2.   Justin Timberlake was tackled while attending a Fashion Week show in Paris.   ***   Wow—those French really have no tolerance for someone wearing last year’s style. 

3.   Lamborghini, the manufacturer of flashy, exotic sports cars, announced it may soon develop an electric supercar.  ***   However, the company has some safety concerns and is worried that the high-voltage electrical systems might get shorted out by the driver’s gold chains.

4.   Nissan is recalling one million cars because the back-up cameras may have stopped working.  ***   Until the cameras are fixed, Nissan is urging owners to use alternate measures for rearward vision, such as strapping a small child to the rear bumper.

5.   Wally Conron, the man who created the popular mixed-breed “Labradoodle,” says it is one of his biggest regrets because he meant it to be a guide dog, not a “fashion accessory.”   ***   He said if he just wanted to create something fashionable to put on a leash it would have involved a Kardashian.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 27, 2019

1.   The seat selection screen on the Japan Air Lines reservation website identifies seats with babies so passengers can avoid sitting near them.  ***  On airlines in the U.S., whining and crying can be avoided by not sitting next to someone from the opposite political party.

2.   In the Pacific Ocean, the U.S. Coast Guard captured a small submarine that was filled with $165 million worth of cocaine.    ***   Authorities became suspicious when they saw the vessel snorting white powder through the periscope. 

3.   During a recent Arctic expedition by the Russian navy, a small landing craft was sunk by a mother walrus who was protecting her cubs.   ***   Goo Goo Ga Joob!

4.   In Muskegon, Michigan, a police officer was fired after Ku Klux Klan material was found in his home, but he claims he just collects memorabilia associated with the “Dukes of Hazzard” TV show.  ***  However, he stumbled when trying to explain why he never bought his wife a pair of Daisy Dukes.

5.   A lot of people are confused by the title of Brad Pitt’s latest film, “Ad Astra.”   ***   I mean, who wants to see a movie about Ed Asner with a cold?

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 20, 2019

1.   After fracturing her arm while rehearsing for “Dancing with the Stars,” Christie Brinkley told ABC, “I have to find a silver lining.”  ***   OK, but I think that’s kind of snobbish and it will itch even more than an ordinary cast.

2.   Officials in New Mexico announced a plan to provide free college tuition for all state residents.  ***   However, they said parents would still need to pay for books, living expenses and bribes to the admissions office.

3.   Accused Wikileaks fugitive Edward Snowden says he would like to come back to the U.S. if he could get a fair trial.  ***  Or at least be tried on a televised episode of “Judge Judy.”

4.   A transatlantic flight was diverted to Ireland after the pilot spilled coffee on the controls, causing heat, smoke and a burning odor.  ***  Hmmm, sounds like Starbuck’s extra-strong morning-wake-up blend.

5.   For adventurous travelers, a unique hotel—the North Pole Igloos—will be opening at the North Pole in April, 2020.   ***   The only drawback is that you have to help make toys.