News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 29, 2019

1.   The spacewalk for a female astronaut aboard the International Space Station was cancelled because her spacesuit did not fit properly.  ***   The blame is being placed on the mission commander, who was unable to come up with a proper reply when asked, “Does this spacesuit make me look fat?”

2.   Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos is being widely criticized for slashing the Special Olympics budget.  ***  She said the funds are being re-directed to a new competition for disadvantaged young adults with bone spurs.

3.   According to CNN, Justin Bieber plans to address some emotional health issues and will temporarily “step away from music.”   ***   Awwww, and he was so close.

4.   Six states ordered a recall of avocados because of concerns that they were contaminated with listeria.   ***   However, officials later apologized and said they didn’t realize that avocados are supposed to be mushy, weird-looking and relatively tasteless.

5.   Tiffany & Co. just released its quarterly financial results and said revenue was down significantly because of slow Christmas gift sales.   ***   Gee, I always thought they made most of their money on breakfasts.

News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 22, 2019

1.   After Prince Charles had vacationed in Barbados, his lawyers complained about the paparazzi invading his privacy and taking unflattering photos, such as shots of him in a swimsuit   ***   or with Camilla.

2.   Because of an increased need to rescue poorly prepared hikers, the Italian villages of Cinque Terra are now fining tourists for wearing flip-flops on area trails.  ***   Officials said people with ill-suited footwear wasn’t a big problem until WalMart began offering bus tours.

3.   In a CNN town hall, presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren said she wants to get rid of the Electoral College.   ***  President Trump tweeted his disagreement and said, “Hey, just because they had that big admission scam…”

4.   The recent college admissions scam involved several top schools, including Stanford, Yale and UCLA, but there seems to be no evidence that it offered admissions to Harvard.  ***   This prompted Harvard’s president to comment, “Hey, what are we – chopped liver?”

5.   President Trump told Fox News to put Jeanine Pirro back on the air after she had been suspended for her Islamophobic comments.  ***  A Fox executive immediately scolded the President, saying, “Hey, you can’t tell us how to run our network…just because we tell you how to run your country.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 15, 2019

1.   In a possible mob war, Francesco “Franky Boy” Cali, the head of the Gambino crime family, was gunned down outside his Staten Island home by a gunman who reportedly shot him 10 times and then escaped in a blue pick-up truck.   ***   OMG, what is it with the mob these days? I mean, really – a pick-up truck?

2.   After four years of declining sales, Harley-Davidson is hoping to find success in the market for electric motorcycles.   ***   And all the Hell’s Angels bikers are getting their tattoos changed to read “Born to Raise Hell -- and Environmental Awareness.”

3.   Actress Elizabeth Olsen says she wants to keep her pubic life separate from her older sisters, 32 year old twins Ashley and Mary-Kate.   ***   However, she said she loves her two siblings and hopes to one day be able to tell them apart.

4.   Several rap stars testified before the Supreme Court to defend fellow rapper Jamal Knox, saying his angry lyrics about police are not a true threat of violence.  ***   They explained that some days it’s just so hard to find nice words that rhyme.

5.   Dale Massad, the 68 year old mayor of Port Richey, Florida, is facing new charges after firing a gun at two deputies who were serving him a warrant.  ***  Fortunately, the incident took place in the afternoon, so, under Florida law, he’s eligible for a reduced sentence as part of the early bird special.

News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 8, 2019

1.   In Florida, two sisters—61 and 63 years old—have just been accused of murdering their father four years ago.   ***   Investigators believe the women became angry when their allowance was cut after they stayed out past their curfew.

2.   Nearly 30 people became ill and one woman died after eating at a Michelin-starred restaurant in Spain.  ***   When you think about it, selecting a restaurant based on ratings by a company that makes tires is like asking McDonald’s to recommend a good radial.

3.   The FDA has just approved Spravado, an anti-depressant nasal spray which is recommended for use when other drugs are ineffective.   ***   Or whenever winter just seems to go on forever.

4.   Volvo just announced that all its cars will be electronically limited to a top speed of 112 mph.  ***   You might want to try using that as an excuse the next time you’re late for work.

5.   In Oakland, California, a TV news crew was robbed at gunpoint while covering a teachers’ strike.  ***  The gunmen ran off when several teachers attacked them with threats of after-school detention, loss of library privileges and low marks in citizenship.

News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 1, 2019

1.   An examination of the mountain lion killed by a Colorado trail runner with his bare hands showed that the young lion was a three or four month old “kitten.”  ***  Experts said runners facing similar dangers can generally protect themselves with a laser pointer and a ball of yarn.

2.   In the Robert Kraft case, authorities first suspected that the Orchids of Asia spa was housing prostitutes when health inspectors noticed the refrigerator was stuffed with food, beverages and condiments.  ***  Ouch--I can’t imagine their clients using cold condiments.

3.   President Trump has been accused of kissing a campaign worker in 2016.  ***  I believe it was computer hacker named Yuri.

4.   New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been accused of paying for sex at a place called “Orchids of Asia.”   ***  Wow, you go in to get a corsage for your prom date and the next thing you know you’re completely naked, flat on your back and being seduced by a florist.

5.   Stanley Donen, the filmmaker who directed the classic movie “Singin’ in the Rain,” has died at the age of 94.   ***   I’m guessing pneumonia.

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 22, 2019

1.   Major League Baseball has renamed the “Disabled List” and it is now the “Injured List.”   ***   They also added several sub-categories, including the “Tummy Ache List,” the “Ouchie List” and the “Hurts-Like-Hell” list. 

2.   Actor Jussie Smollett, who had claimed to be a victim of a racist attack, has been arrested and charged with filing a false police report, which carries a maximum sentence of three years in jail.  ***  Authorities who reviewed Mr. Smollett’s report said he could also face several additional months of incarceration for errors in spelling, grammar and punctuation.

3.   According to a recent ranking based on environment, health and other factors, the worst place to grow old is in the state of West Virginia.  ***   Actually, the worst place to grow old is in your state of mind (but West Virginia is a close second).

4.   In an interview with TMZ, O.J. Simpson said Roger Stone should “man up and quit crying.”  ***  He also said Mr. Stone should make his hands swell up so the gloves don’t fit.

5.   A Delta flight made an emergency landing in Reno after the plane hit turbulence which was so severe that the drink cart overturned and five passengers were seriously injured.  ***  They got hurt fighting over all the spilled little liquor bottles.

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 15, 2019

1.   A human foot has mysteriously washed up on Canada’s western shore, and authorities say this has happened several times before.  ***   In fact, many Canadians became alarmed when a recent surf report mentioned three-foot waves.

2.   Although President Obama had previously installed a “golf simulator” in the White House, President Trump has just spent $50,000 of his own money to replace it with a more sophisticated system.   ***   Mr. Trump’s set-up is so realistic he has to drive his golf cart between shots.

3.   In a recent interview, 74 year old Michael Douglas said he’s finding a lot of benefits to getting older.   ***  On the other hand, he said maybe it’s just because he’s handsome, famous and incredibly wealthy.

4.   After her flight arrived late in Houston and she ran to make her connecting flight to Los Angeles, “Big Bang Theory” star Mayim Bialik had the boarding door shut in her face, possibly because she was carrying a small suitcase.  *** Or, maybe it’s because she was clutching that suitcase and frantically running toward the plane while trying to leverage her celebrity status by yelling “Big Bang!  Big Bang!”

5.   Three weeks after rolling his Land Rover, 97 year old Prince Philip announced it’s time to stop driving.  ***  He said his decision wasn’t prompted by the accident, but rather, because it’s getting too hard to remember where he put the car keys.