News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 19, 2018

1.   A Chechen woman who claims to be 129 years old says she has had a rough life and only recalls one day when she was truly happy.  ***  On the other hand, her memory only goes back about a day and a half.

2.   A high school student in Davis, California has been accused of giving classmates cookies that contained her grandmother’s ashes.   ***   School officials became suspicious when dozens of students suddenly began knitting.

3.   To strengthen his role in royal family, Prince Harry has just been given the additional title of “personal aide-de-camp to the queen.”  ***  That means he’ll have to assist the 92 year old monarch if she ever decides to go camping.

4.   The U.S. Postal Service is proposing an increase of five cents for a first class stamp.   ***   OK, so now we’re back to the original definition of “going postal.”

5.   President Trump is scheduled to participate in a live interview on Fox News tonight.   ***   However, it’s expected to be very scripted:  Prior to the session, Mr. Trump will give Fox a list of all the questions to ask…and Fox will give him a list of all the answers.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 12, 2018

1.   In an interview with “Men’s Health” magazine, Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted there were several times when he “stepped over the line” in his treatment of women.  ***  He said it probably wasn’t proper to hold maid interviews in the bedroom.

2.   McDonald’s announced it will be eliminating all artificial ingredients in its hamburgers.  ***  As a result, the Quarter Pounder will now be the Eighth Pounder, the Big Mac will now be a Small Mac, and the Cheeseburger will just be…the Burger.

3.   Police in the UK recently freed a 58 year old man who had been held captive for 40 years in a garden shed with only a bed, a chair, a hot plate, a scrap of carpet and a TV.  ***  How sad—it was just one beer fridge short of a man cave.

4.   The FDA has just revoked its approval of seven food additives because of their adverse effects on humans. *** In the interest of public safety, they banned everything that was fed to the senate committee handling the Brett Kavanaugh hearings.

5.   In Hartland, Michigan, a high school cheerleader was caught handing out marijuana-filled brownies in order to get voted prom queen.  ***   In a related story, Brett Kavanaugh was sworn in as a Supreme Court justice and he expressed his gratitude to President Trump, Betty Crocker and an old prep school buddy known only as “Weed.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 5, 2018

1.   Over the past six years, more than 250 people around the world have died from taking selfies in dangerous poses.   ***  The last words they ever heard were their spouses shouting, “You’re fine, dear—just another step back.”

2.   According to a recent study, the unhappiest state in the country is West Virginia, which has the highest rate of adult depression.  ***   In fact, things are so bad that Happy Hour has never lasted more than 5 minutes.

3.   At 2:18 this afternoon everyone in the U.S. will receive a test alert message from the president on their cell phones.  ***  When a real emergency occurs, the president’s message will state the nature of the crisis and will describe how the Democrats caused it, how the fake news lied about it and how he’s going to fix it all by himself.

4.   Education Secretary Betsy DeVos just invested $1 million in a company that makes gunsights, and people are complaining that it makes for “bad optics.”  ***  Ms. DeVos strongly disagreed and said, “No, they actually make great optics.”

5.   The Boy Scouts of America has recalled its official neckerchief slides because of excessive levels of lead.   ***   Officials began to suspect the high lead content when the scouts seemed to be spending a lot of time looking at their shoes.  

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 28, 2018

1.   General Motors is recalling 240,000 vehicles because of a problem with the rear brakes.  ***   However, a company spokesman assured owners that the front end of the car will stop just fine.

2.   Mexican federal authorities have taken over control of the Acapulco police department.  ***  A government spokesman said the local force did an outstanding job of eliminating corruption, fighting crime and ousting the drug cartels, but it just couldn’t handle college kids on spring break.

3.   A Jet Airways flight in India had to return to Mumbai after several passengers suffered from nose and ear bleeds.  ***  Technically, however, the new high-power earbuds were a success.

4.   When Hurricane Florence hit North Carolina, over three million chickens died.  ***   Or as Colonel Sanders called it, “Friday.”

5.   Tonight is the start of Season 27 of “Dancing with the Stars,” and the celebrity lineup includes “Dukes of Hazzard” star John Schneider.  ***  In a change from the usual celebrity-professional pairings, Mr. Schneider will be dancing with Boss Hogg.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 21, 2018

1.   A 7-Eleven clerk in Ferndale, Michigan has been arrested and charged with embezzlement.  ***  Acting on an anonymous tip, police raided her home and found a veritable fortune in stolen Slurpees.

2.   Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is apparently a stickler for proper punctuation and he had his staff send out two memos to State Department employees instructing them on the correct use of commas.  ***  Here we’ve been worried about the Russians, and it turns out that our own Secretary of State is a gol-durned  commanist.

3.   Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin got their marriage license in Los Angeles last week.  ***  Marriage license applications are bit different in L.A.  To expedite future paperwork, couples also need to submit a preliminary list of all their irreconcilable differences.    

4.   In the high winds of Hurricane Florence, a North Carolina family that had to be rescued after refusing to evacuate explained, “We thought we’d be safe in brick house.”  ***   Folks, it’s never a good idea to base your survival strategy on a story you read in a children’s book.

5.   In New Mexico, authorities recently evacuated the Sunspot Solar Observatory near Roswell, the site of a rumored 1947 space alien landing.  ***  There was no explanation for the evacuation; a spokesman said you just don’t question an order from the mothership.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 14, 2018

1.   President Trump is claiming that federal assistance to Puerto Rico in the wake of Hurricane Maria was an “unsung success.”  ***  To make sure that doesn’t happen with the current storm, the White House has already started holding auditions for “Florence, the Musical.”

2.   In Livonia, Michigan, traffic on I-275 was disrupted Wednesday morning due to a “hazardous material” incident.   ***  A police spokesperson said there was a serious accident involving several cars and a water truck from Flint.

3.   There are more and more rumors that Howard Schultz, the former CEO of Starbucks, is planning to run for president.   ***   Great—instead of a leader who spends so much time on the golf course, we’ll have one who runs the country from a laptop computer at the corner table in a coffee shop.

4.   Mattress Firm Inc., the largest U.S. mattress retailer, announced they may file for bankruptcy.  ***   No wonder the company’s in trouble—every time they need to make a decision they say they’ll have to sleep on it.

5.   In explaining why she did not tell President Trump about Bob Woodward’s request for an interview, Kellyanne Conway said Mr. Woodward could have just called the switchboard.  ***   She seemed perfectly sincere…until she wrinkled her nose and said, “One ringy dingy…two ringy dingy…”

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 7, 2018

1.   The FBI has recovered Judy Garland’s “Wizard of Oz” ruby red slippers that gave Dorothy the power to click her heels three times and suddenly be home.  ***   After reading that news, President Trump ordered a pair of ruby red golf shoes; he wants to click his heels three times and suddenly be on a golf course.

2.   In a recent interview, the CEO of Jetco Delivery said that new technologies will make truck driving fun again.   ***   Actually, I heard that’s what truck stops are for.

3.   Disneyland is now offering alcoholic drinks for the first time in the park’s history.   ***   But it’s a little embarrassing for guys who want bourbon and have to order a “Mickey Mouse on the rocks.”

4.   At Aretha Franklin’s funeral, a steady stream of speakers talked about the Queen of Soul and her place in heaven for all eternity.  ***   The concept of “eternity” can be difficult to fully comprehend, but after the 8 hour service most attendees had a pretty good idea.

5.   A can of pepper spray accidentally discharged on a Hawaiian Airlines flight from California to Maui. *** According to eyewitness reports, it panicked the passengers, shocked the flight attendants and woke up the pilots.