News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 16, 2018

1.   A New Jersey couple and a homeless vet have been charged with setting up scam involving a GoFundMe account based on sympathy for the veteran.   ***   It was a very elaborate scheme: First, they started a war…

2.   The National Defense Strategy Commission has just issued a report which concluded that military weaknesses in several areas could cause the U.S. to lose a war against China or Russia.   ***   That shocking assessment generated a strong reaction at the Pentagon, where hundreds of high-level officials immediately called their bookies to change their bets.

3.   Architectural Digest has published a list of beautiful buildings in Canada that are impressive but don’t seem to attract many tourists.   ***    Unfortunately, most of them are in areas without any marijuana shops.

4.   According to the NASA website, some Christmas lights are visible from space.   ***   In fact, the agency admitted that the space shuttle’s primary navigational aid was Clark Griswold’s house.

5.   American Airlines is now offering early-boarding to passengers with nut allergies so they can wipe down their own seating areas.  ***   Previously, early-boarding for wipe down was only offered to a Mr. Adrian Monk.

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 9, 2018

1.   In Michigan, Oakland County is now hiring snow plow drivers, but says the positions will be part-time.  ***  However, they did not give a reason for that optimism.

2.   A house in Fresno, California suffered major fire damage after the owner tried to kill black widow spiders with a blowtorch.  ***   Actually, the guy was too smart to try to burn the spiders--he just set his house on fire so the fire hoses would drown them.

3.   Delta Airlines has apologized to a man who had to sit in a feces-splattered seat that had not been cleaned.  ***  An airline spokesman explained that the previous flight was a little rough, and some passengers did not have their bowels in the upright and locked position.

4.   Destiny’s Child singer Michelle Williams recently revealed her struggle with depression.   ***   I don’t know what kind of parent Destiny is, but some folks just need to be a little more supportive of their kids.

5.   After the turmoil of his confirmation process, new Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh will not participate in the tradition of walking down the marble steps of the Supreme Court Building following his investiture because of concerns for his safety.  ***  Maybe they could install a handrail?

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 2, 2018

1.   As a Halloween promotion, Reese’s designed a vending machine that allows kids to exchange unwanted candy for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.   ***   Meanwhile, for adults who want to exchange things they don’t like, we have the mid-term elections.

2.   After speaking at a Mike Pence rally in Michigan, a Messianic Jewish rabbi was criticized for saying Jesus is “the Messiah,” which is contrary to the beliefs of mainstream Jews.  ***  And the White House.

3.   Near Phoenix, Arizona, a 60 year old man was rescued three days after falling into a mine shaft, where he suffered a broken leg, internal bleeding, dehydration and encounters with rattlesnakes.  ***  But, he said it was still a lot better than being around all the mid-term election campaigns.

4.   Meghan Markle reportedly cut short her visit to a Fiji marketplace because of security concerns.   ***   Actually, it was because all the vendors refused her demands for a “princess discount.”

5.   Reports from Mexico say people in the caravan traveling toward the U.S. border have been smoking marijuana.   ***   Actually, that’s good news; they may be heading to Canada.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 26, 2018

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1.   In the flurry of letter bombs recently sent out, one of them had been mis-addressed and was returned to sender.   ***   Police suddenly remembered a similar scenario many years ago and have put out an APB for a Wile E. Coyote.

2.   Dorcas Reilly, the woman who invented the green bean casserole while working at Campbell Soup, has died at the age of 92.  ***  Funeral services will be held this Saturday, followed by a luncheon. In lieu of casserole dishes, the family is requesting flowers.

3.   Using computer graphics software, researchers in England have been able to create an image of “the world’s sexiest man.”  ***  Actually, it was easy—they just took a picture of a random guy and then Photoshopped him holding the winning $1.6 billion lottery ticket.

4.   For six years Wikileaks’ Julian Assange has been sheltered in Ecuador’s embassy in London, but now he is suing his hosts because they are making him personally take care of his cat and jamming his access to the Internet.  ***  I can certainly understand Mr. Assange’s outrage—there’s nothing worse than having a cat and not being able to post videos on Facebook.

5.   Today President Trump will attend a Houston rally to praise Ted Cruz, but some people are accusing him of hypocrisy because during the presidential campaign he referred to Mr. Cruz as “Lyin’ Ted.” ***  Duh, it was a compliment.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 19, 2018

1.   A Chechen woman who claims to be 129 years old says she has had a rough life and only recalls one day when she was truly happy.  ***  On the other hand, her memory only goes back about a day and a half.

2.   A high school student in Davis, California has been accused of giving classmates cookies that contained her grandmother’s ashes.   ***   School officials became suspicious when dozens of students suddenly began knitting.

3.   To strengthen his role in royal family, Prince Harry has just been given the additional title of “personal aide-de-camp to the queen.”  ***  That means he’ll have to assist the 92 year old monarch if she ever decides to go camping.

4.   The U.S. Postal Service is proposing an increase of five cents for a first class stamp.   ***   OK, so now we’re back to the original definition of “going postal.”

5.   President Trump is scheduled to participate in a live interview on Fox News tonight.   ***   However, it’s expected to be very scripted:  Prior to the session, Mr. Trump will give Fox a list of all the questions to ask…and Fox will give him a list of all the answers.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 12, 2018

1.   In an interview with “Men’s Health” magazine, Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted there were several times when he “stepped over the line” in his treatment of women.  ***  He said it probably wasn’t proper to hold maid interviews in the bedroom.

2.   McDonald’s announced it will be eliminating all artificial ingredients in its hamburgers.  ***  As a result, the Quarter Pounder will now be the Eighth Pounder, the Big Mac will now be a Small Mac, and the Cheeseburger will just be…the Burger.

3.   Police in the UK recently freed a 58 year old man who had been held captive for 40 years in a garden shed with only a bed, a chair, a hot plate, a scrap of carpet and a TV.  ***  How sad—it was just one beer fridge short of a man cave.

4.   The FDA has just revoked its approval of seven food additives because of their adverse effects on humans. *** In the interest of public safety, they banned everything that was fed to the senate committee handling the Brett Kavanaugh hearings.

5.   In Hartland, Michigan, a high school cheerleader was caught handing out marijuana-filled brownies in order to get voted prom queen.  ***   In a related story, Brett Kavanaugh was sworn in as a Supreme Court justice and he expressed his gratitude to President Trump, Betty Crocker and an old prep school buddy known only as “Weed.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 5, 2018

1.   Over the past six years, more than 250 people around the world have died from taking selfies in dangerous poses.   ***  The last words they ever heard were their spouses shouting, “You’re fine, dear—just another step back.”

2.   According to a recent study, the unhappiest state in the country is West Virginia, which has the highest rate of adult depression.  ***   In fact, things are so bad that Happy Hour has never lasted more than 5 minutes.

3.   At 2:18 this afternoon everyone in the U.S. will receive a test alert message from the president on their cell phones.  ***  When a real emergency occurs, the president’s message will state the nature of the crisis and will describe how the Democrats caused it, how the fake news lied about it and how he’s going to fix it all by himself.

4.   Education Secretary Betsy DeVos just invested $1 million in a company that makes gunsights, and people are complaining that it makes for “bad optics.”  ***  Ms. DeVos strongly disagreed and said, “No, they actually make great optics.”

5.   The Boy Scouts of America has recalled its official neckerchief slides because of excessive levels of lead.   ***   Officials began to suspect the high lead content when the scouts seemed to be spending a lot of time looking at their shoes.