News for Week Ending Friday, May 17, 2019

1.   Hershey’s announced it will be embossing 25 different emojis in the rectangular forms on its chocolate bars.   ***  There’s the chocoholic emoji, the chubby emoji, the rotting teeth emoji…

2.   Brad Pitt is trying to move on after his divorce from the controlling Angelina Jolie and says he is now “absolutely smitten” with MIT professor Neri Oxman.  ***  He also said he checked with Angelina and she said it was OK.

3.   Former congressman Anthony Weiner has completed his prison and halfway house incarceration for indecent acts and has been released.  ***  Or as he calls it, unzipped.

4.   Singer Meat Loaf fell off a stage while performing in Texas and broke his collarbone.  ***  People at the scene Googled how to make him better and are now treating him with a variety of seasonings, a mushroom topping and copious amounts of gravy.

5.   Mukesh Ambani, the richest man in India, just bought British retailer Hamleys, which has 167 toy stores. ***  Only the truly wealthy wear T-shirts that say, “He who dies with the most toy stores wins.”

News for Week Ending Friday, May 10, 2019

1.   Because of an outbreak of measles, the Scientology cruise ship “Freewinds” was quarantined for several days in St. Lucia.   ***   It was terrible; passengers had to stay onboard and were forced to spend the entire week watching a Tom Cruise movie marathon.

2.   In a recent interview, 88 year old Warren Buffet, who’s worth $87 billion, said he drinks five cans of Coca-Cola every day, eats Chicken McNuggets at least three times a week and loves Dairy Queen for dessert.   ***  Of course, it’s easier to have that kind of diet when you can get a quadruple by-pass and pay cash.

3.   Meghan and Harry just had a baby boy, and experts say he is 7^th in line to the British throne.  ***   That’s nice, but he’s only 38^th in line for the most prestigious pre-school.

4.   In a protest against campus fraternities, students at Swarthmore College have gone on a hunger strike.   ***  Sing along: “Cass was a sophomore, planned to go to Swarthmore, but she changed her mind one day-y-y-y…”   Probably because she heard about their hunger strikes.

5.   Last Sunday was the big Cinco de Mayo holiday in Mexico.   ***  And, in a spirit of international friendship, U.S. border patrol agents chasing illegal immigrants gave all of them a ten minute head start.

News for Week Ending Friday, May 3, 2019

1.   For the second time in 30 days, charges of domestic violence have been levied against Rick Schroder, the former child actor who got his start in the sitcom “Silver Spoons.”  ***  He is now facing possible jail time and plans to star in a new reality show, “Plastic Spoons.”

2.   Now that Julian Assange has been kicked out of Ecuador’s embassy for bad behavior, a London court has sentenced him to 50 weeks in jail for skipping out on bail back in 2012.  ***  Mr. Assange said he’ll go to jail willingly if he’s allowed to bring along his cat, his skateboard and his huge collection of Pamela Anderson posters.

3.   Scientists in Norway have captured a small beluga whale wearing a Russian-made harness, and they suspect it had been trained for some sort of Russian military operation.  ***  In the United States, however, Democrats are claiming it was one of several such whales used to influence the 2016 election.

4.   South Korea is opening several hiking trails along the Demilitarized Zone, which has become a thriving habitat for wildlife, including some endangered species.  ***   Actually, anything living near the DMZ is an endangered species.

5.   Because of security and privacy concerns, Apple is reportedly dropping several apps that parents have been using to restrict their children’s iPhone and iPad usage.  ***  Now the kids are happy and the parents are pouting, whining and throwing tantrums.

News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 26, 2019

1.   The 25^th James Bond film is about to start production, with Daniel Craig again starring as Bond and the villain played by “Bohemian Rhapsody” star Rami Malek.  ***  Mr. Malek’s character will torment Agent 007 throughout the film with unrelenting threats of “We will, we will…rock you.”

2.   Joe Biden has finally decided that he will run for president in 2020.   ***  Like any 76 year old guy, he first had to make sure the campaign wouldn’t interfere with any scheduled surgeries, milestone class reunions or upcoming Matlock marathons.

3.   Punctuation experts are criticizing the Mueller report because it was printed with two spaces after each sentence, instead of the current practice of only one.  ***  Actually, some people believe every sentence from the Mueller report should be followed by several years of parole.

4.   Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren is proposing a plan that would eliminate student debt for people with a low or medium household income.   ***   And wealthy families would be fully reimbursed for money paid as part of an admissions scam.

5.   WalMart is expanding its use of robots, and 360 stores will be using them to count inventory and clean floors.   ***   The robots could even do some shopping, but so far they’re all refusing to wear flip-flops.  

News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 19, 2019

1.   Scientists in the Florida Everglades reportedly caught and killed a huge, 17-foot Burmese python that was carrying 73 eggs.   ***   Oh my gosh—it was legendary Easter Python!

2.   In spite of the extensive damage to Notre Dame Cathedral, firefighters were able to save some of the Catholic Church’s most cherished items:  revered holy relics, priceless works of art…   ***  …and the wicker baskets that collect the Sunday offering.

3.   In the wake of the extensive fire damage to the Notre Dame Cathedral, leaders around the world are offering assistance: The president of the Czech Republic has offered experts who restored the Prague Castle, officials in Greece have offered technicians experienced in the restoration of Greek monuments  …   ***  …and, if they’ll give him naming rights, President Trump has offered to turn it into a magnificent hotel.

4.   In an effort to eradicate invasive pythons in Florida, scientists are putting tracking devices on male snakes to lead them to the females.  ***  Dating is probably a bit awkward when you have to make sure your new boyfriend isn’t being followed.

5.   Delta Airlines is reducing the amount seats can recline on selected aircraft because some passengers apparently felt uncomfortable with the intrusion into their “personal space.”  ***  Unfortunately, Delta was not able to resolve their concerns through professional counseling at the departure gate.

News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 12, 2019

1.   Former Pope Benedict XVI has broken his silence on the sex abuse crisis and says it was partially caused by the sexual revolution of the 1960’s.   ***   I knew it was a bad idea to let all those priests go to Woodstock.

2.   A man who had just gotten out of a Florida jail was arrested for breaking into cars in the jail’s parking lot.  ***  He was charged with three counts of stupidity.

3.   A woman in Dubai is facing jail time for a Facebook post in which she referred to her ex-husband’s new wife as a horse.    ***   Well, at the wedding, when the minister asked, “Do you take this man…?” the bride stomped her foot three times.

4.   A fashion store named “Forever 21” has launched a line of clothes that look like U.S. Postal Service uniforms.  ***  It’s a very cool look…if you don’t mind strangers stopping you on the street and demanding to know why their mail is late.

5.   As he nears the end of his prison sentence, Anthony Weiner—the disgraced former congressman—has been designated a “Level 1” sex offender, which means he must register as a sex offender for the next 20 years.  ***  Well, he got off easy – at Level 2 he would have had many more restrictions, and at Level 3 they would  have welded his zipper shut.

News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 5, 2019

1.   A woman with two Chinese passports managed to sneak through security at Mar-A-Lago with four cell phones, a laptop, a hard drive and a thumb drive containing computer malware, but President Trump said he’s “not concerned at all.”  ***  Well, you know, it’s not like she was a Democrat.

2.   A Taco Bell manager in Portland, Oregon, who was caught assaulting and screaming at a pregnant worker, has been ordered to perform 100 hours of community service, take anger management classes  ***  and stay away from the Diablo hot sauce.

3.   New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft has rejected a plea deal on charges of soliciting prostitution, and he’s accusing the government of violating his Fourth Amendment rights.   ***   That must be the right to the pursuit of happiness.

4.   In a recent interview, Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover girl Chrissy Teigen said the 20 pounds she gained after childbirth is her “new normal.”     ***   She also apologized and said the next time she’s on the cover of SI it will probably require extra postage.

5.   Actress Lori Loughlin, who is accused in the college admissions scam, was recently approached by reporters as she left her yoga class.   ***   She told them she believes that yoga will provide her with the flexibility, dexterity and agility to wiggle out of a conviction.