News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Oct 16, 2020

 

1.   Actress Margaret Nolan, whose gold-painted body was the backdrop for the opening credits of “Goldfinger,” has passed away at the age of 76.   ***  Today’s riddle:  How is a gold-plated “Bond Girl” like a blow-up doll? They both become more valuable with inflation.

 

2.   Wells Fargo recently fired more than 100 employees for misrepresenting themselves to obtain money from a relief fund for small businesses.   ***   In a fraudulent attempt to capitalize on the Wells Fargo brand, the employees had identified their jobs as “stationmaster,” “stagecoach driver,” and “that guy who sits by the driver and carries a shotgun.”

 

3.   The German government has warned the King of Thailand, who frequently travels to Bavaria for extended stays, to stop trying to rule his country remotely from German soil.   ***  The monarch’s arrangement came to light when a Thai citizen noticed that the king’s most confusing edicts always seemed to coincide with Oktoberfest.  

 

4.   Wesley Barnes, the American who faced a prison sentence in Thailand for posting a negative review of the Sea View resort, has apologized for his blunt online comments and, in exchange, the resort has dropped its complaint.  ***   In a negotiated compromise regarding future reviews, authorities said Mr. Barnes would be allowed to include an occasional negative comment, and Mr. Barnes promised to use bold font, all caps, and multiple exclamation points only for the positive stuff.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Oct 9, 2020

 

1.   Dollar General, the very profitable chain of bargain stores, announced plans for 32 up-scale stores named “Popshelf.”  ***   The company assured investors that it would continue to maintain low overheads, source products from the lowest cost suppliers, and never pay someone to come up with a good name for its stores.

 

2.   McDonald’s has added three pastries to its menu—blueberry muffins, apple fritters and cinnamon rolls—after surveys indicated a growing market for baked goods.  ***  On the other hand, previous product failures, such as Hula Burgers, Onion McNuggets and McHotDogs, showed there was no market for ideas that were only half-baked.

 

3.   British Vogue magazine has given the “Official Sandal of 2020” award to the trendy Birkenstock, which has been recommended by podiatrists for its compliant soles and extra arch support.   ***  And, for Kim Kardashian, extra support in the heels.

 

4.   Kim Richardson, a 63 year old Texas woman, has been sentenced to 54 months in prison for shoplifting millions of dollars in merchandise over the past 19 years.  ***  Ms. Richardson is surprisingly upbeat, and with her shoplifting skills expects to leave there with an entirely new wardrobe, a complete set of matching dinnerware and enough books to fill a small library.

 

5.   To better accommodate and direct large numbers of shoppers during peak periods, Walmart is changing its store layouts and signage, and is studying airports for best practices. *** Additionally, a company spokesperson announced that all new shopping carts will have two wheels and a retractable handle.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Oct 2, 2020

 

1.   Three employees at New York’s Grand Central Terminal were suspended after it was discovered that they had converted an unused underground room into a fully equipped “man cave.”  ***    Beer fridge? Check.  Microwave oven? Check. Futon couch? Check.  Large screen TV? Check.  Ten steps away from a subway boarding platform with travel connections to anywhere in the world? Awesome!  

 

2.   A woman who gave birth onboard an airplane enroute to an Anchorage hospital has named her son Sky.  ***  He’s a lucky dude; one hour later and he would have been named Baggage Claim.     

 

3.   Marines training at Camp Lejeune have been told to stop running in the dark after three reports of coyote attacks.  ***  After a thorough investigation, a camp spokesperson said they had no idea that “Oohrah” was so similar to a coyote mating call.

 

4.   Ford has issued a recall for certain 2020 Mustangs because the bracket that holds the brake pedal may fracture during panic stops.   ***   All Ford dealerships are equipped to replace the broken brackets and clean the driver’s seat.

 

5.   Wesley Barnes, a U.S. citizen working in Thailand, was arrested for posting a negative review of the Sea View Resort on TripAdvisor and could face up to two years in prison.   ***   In hopes of getting a reduced sentence, Mr. Barnes has promised to write glowing reviews of Thai prisons, including their all-inclusive extended-stay offerings, the low-maintenance exterior landscaping, and the best food ever served with plastic utensils.      

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Sep 25, 2020

 

1.   Cardinal Angelo Becciu, the head of the Congregation for the Causes of Saints (the Vatican’s “saint-making” office) has resigned after being indirectly implicated in a financial scandal.  ***  Church authorities became suspicious of a crime and cover-up when the Cardinal’s nominees for sainthood included Louie the Loanshark, a Vatican auditor and the local Ferrari dealer.

 

2.   As is the holiday tradition in our community, workers have begun draping more than one million Christmas lights over all the storefronts on Main Street.  ***  Doing that in September might seem a bit early, but if the lights don’t turn on when they throw the switch, it could take months to find which bulb was burned out.

 

3.   In the wake of the college admission scandals erupting last year, a California state investigation found that UC Berkeley also improperly admitted dozens of underqualified, often wealthy students.   ***   A university spokesperson declined to comment on the findings, but said the head of the admissions office would issue a formal statement as soon as he returns from cruising the Caribbean in his new yacht.

 

4.   Giuseppe Fanara, a Sicilian mafia boss serving a life sentence at Italy’s Rebibbia prison, got in a fight with a guard and bit off the man’s finger.  ***  You know, I think those Sicilian mobsters take the term “a knuckle sandwich” a bit too literally.

 

5.   Michigan’s Marijuana Regulatory Agency is recalling batches that failed safety tests because of excessive amounts of yeast and mold.  ***  Additionally, the agency cautioned consumers that due to troublesome conditions across the United States even the most potent strains are unlikely to provide anything close to desired level of euphoria.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Sep 18, 2020

 

1.   The famous white sand on the beaches of Sardinia is protected by law, and a tourist was fined $1,200 for attempting to leave the Italian island with 4 pounds of that sand in his luggage.  ***  Heck, after a day on the beach it usually feels like I have more sand than that in my swim trunks (and man, does it itch).

 

2.   This morning’s “Word of the Day” from Word Genius  is “Buck-and-Wing,” which is “a lively solo tap dance, typically done in wooden-soled shoes.”  ***  Oh. I thought it was from that iconic episode of “The Twilight Zone” when an angry William Shatner told the skeptical flight attendant where he had seen the furry creature.

 

3.   White Castle has just announced a new packaging design called the “Crave Clutch” – a cardboard container that holds 20 sliders and 4 small fries, and features colorful graphics, a sturdy carrying handle...***…and a built-in grease trap.

 

4.   After apparently getting lost during the annual migration, a humpback whale has become stranded in an alligator-infested river in Australia.  ***   The poor guy is now facing a tough choice: Stay in the river and get eaten by alligators, or rejoin the pod and listen to endless reminders that he should have stopped and asked for directions.

 

5.   In Merrimack, New Hampshire, a 40-pound exotic pet cat that had been on the run for two days was finally caught, although authorities did not disclose how the elusive cat was lured into the trap.  *** Unconfirmed rumors indicate the process involved a remote-control drone equipped with a really strong laser pointer.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Sep 11, 2020

 

1.   After a huge public outcry, Los Angeles authorities retracted a Covid-driven ban on Halloween trick-or-treating but said the door-to-door tradition is “not recommended.”  ***  A City Hall spokesperson also assured concerned citizens that they’ll still be allowed to dress up in silly costumes, just like they do every day.

 

2.   As mentioned on Tuesday, Thai Airways has transformed its Bangkok cafeteria into an airline-themed restaurant.  ***   Update: For a small fee, diners can now upgrade to the “Total” in-flight experience: While you try to eat, a little kid will kick the back of your seat, a baby will cry with a wail that could shatter glassware, and a complete stranger with body odor and bad breath will sit in the seat next to you and chatter non-stop for the entire meal.

 

3.   As many school districts start the new school year this week, students are encountering a few changes.   ***  For example, it is no longer necessary to claim that your dog ate your homework, but only that someone sneezed on it.

 

4.   Thai Airways has transformed its Bangkok cafeteria into an airline-themed restaurant with airplane seats, tables made from engine parts, and servers dressed as flight attendants.  ***   The waitstaff doesn’t sing, but if it’s a special occasion they’ll gather in two groups and hum like jet engines.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Sep 4, 2020

 

1.   In the past two months Taco Bell has dropped numerous items from the menu.   ***   In fact, because of Covid concerns, every time someone sneezes back in food-prep, one more item is no longer available.

 

2.   In Ashland City, Tennessee, Solomon--a 150 pound pet tortoise--was finally found, 74 days after escaping from his owner’s home.   ***   In an emotional reunion, the grateful owner said there’s no telling where Solomon might have ended up if he had made it all the way to the sidewalk.

 

3.   McDonalds is introducing Spicy Chicken McNuggets, the first new flavor in 40 years.   ***    Market conditions are finally right for success: People are now satisfied with anything that doesn’t taste like the inside of a face mask.

 

4.   Officials at the University of Pennsylvania have rejected a request by six professors in its business school to investigate the circumstances surrounding the 1966 acceptance of Donald Trump.  ***  A university spokesperson said Penn has never shown favoritism to wealthy families; even if they’ve made large donations or funded a new building on campus, they still have to bribe the admissions office just like anyone else.

 

5.   In Covington, Georgia, the mansion that was used in the 1939 filming of “Gone with the Wind” is now a bed and breakfast.  ***   The owners claim that one window has had no covering ever since the draperies were re-purposed by “Scarlett,” although they were at a loss to explain a later disappearance of the drapery rod itself.