Friday, Oct 25, 2013

1.        Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are engaged.  ***  And they want to have the wedding real soon so the engagement won’t be longer than the marriage.

2.        In a recent poll, 86% of Americans said they do not approve of the job that Congress is doing.  ***  Obviously the other 14% didn’t understand the question.

3.        A woman fainted during President Obama’s Rose Garden speech on Affordable Health Care.  ***  Well, they call it “fainting.”  I call it “sticker shock.”

4.        Speaking in the White House Rose Garden, President Obama said that there was a “massive demand” for his Affordable Health Care program, based on 20 million people visiting the web site.   ***   Hey, millions of people have visited Alcatraz; that doesn’t mean they want to move in.

5.        Three Americans have won the Nobel Prize in Economics.   ***   Which is like giving the Nobel Peace Prize to the Somali pirates.

6.        Appearing on the TV talk show “This Week,” Nancy Pelosi said that the glitches in the rollout of Obamacare were “unacceptable.”  ***  She was referring to the fact that the system wouldn’t let her register for Botox treatments.

7.        Four Somali pirates have been sentenced to 7 years in prison in Kenya.   ***  That might not seem like much, but every evening they’ll be required to watch the movie “Captain Phillips.”

8.        Both of the two top candidates for mayor of New York City are in favor of banning horse-drawn carriages.   ***  So, just like everywhere else in the U.S., people wishing to be taken for a ride will need to contact their Congressman.

9.        According to a Pew Research Center study of people who tried on-line dating, 23 percent have entered into a long term relationship or gotten married.  ***  The other 77 percent were already married.

10.     The plans for Mitt Romney’s new house in Utah show a hidden room that is accessed through a swivel bookcase in the library.   *** 

Former President Clinton said:  “That’s a great idea.  When I build a new house I’m going to make sure the budget includes a hidden room off the library where I can have an affair.”

Former President Carter said:  “What’s an affair?”

Former President Bush said:    “What’s a library?”

President Obama said:  “What’s a budget?”

Friday, Oct 11, 2013

1.      The science fiction movie “Gravity” was tops at the box office last weekend, although it has been criticized for having several technical inaccuracies.  ***  For example, George Clooney was not followed into space by the paparazzi.

2.      A German bishop was forced to resign after it was found that his new residence was costing $42 million to build, six times the original estimate.   ***  He’s now hoping to relocate to the United States and get a job as a defense contractor.

3.      Eight members of Congress were arrested during a rally near the Capitol Building.   ***   OK, that’s 8 down, 527 to go.

4.      Eight members of Congress were arrested during a rally near the Capitol Building.   ***  They were charged with “crowding, obstructing and incommoding.”   ***   “Incommoding”?   I think that’s when you try to put the whole country in the toilet.

5.      They’ve just announced the winner of the Nobel Prize in Chemistry.  ***   It has been awarded posthumously to Walter White.

6.      In a TV interview rapper Fifty Cent revealed that his best friend is his grandmother.   ***  And Fifty Cent’s biggest enemy?  Inflation.  (It makes him feel worthless.)

7.      Congratulations to Professors James Rothman (at Yale), Randy Schekman (at the University of California) and Thomas Suedhof (at Sanford), who just won the Nobel Prize in Medicine. ***  They received the award for being the first people to figure out how to register for Obamacare.

8.      The Pentagon says it is recalling more than 300,000 civilian employees who were furloughed as part of the government shutdown. *** It also promised to pay for their therapy to deal with depression after having been called “non-essential.”

9.      Last Monday marked 100 years since Henry Ford set up the world’s first assembly line, which reduced assembly time from 12 1/2 hours to just 93 minutes.  ***   And Tuesday marked 100 years since the first automobile recall.

10.    NBC is coming out with a new reality show called “Space Race,” in which the winner will get a ride into outer space next year on Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic.  An NBC representative said, “This will be a remarkable experience for anyone who has...dared to dream of space flight.”  ***  Or anyone who’s just sick and tired of what’s happening on earth.

Friday, Oct 4, 2013

2013-10-04

1.      In an interview with Vanity Fair, Mia Farrow says the biological father of her son Ronan might be Frank Sinatra, rather than Woody Allen as previously believed.  ***  She’s just trying to remember—on that fateful night, did the guy in bed with her sing or tell jokes.

2.      At a Senate committee hearing, the head of the NSA, General Keith Alexander, testified that his agency had once tested whether it could track the locations of Americans’ cell phones.   ***    How’s that for a Verizon commercial:  “Can you track me now?”

3.      We now have more information on Monday’s commuter train crash in Chicago.  Authorities say there was no one at the controls, so it was unstoppable, continuing down the tracks, endangering countless people, and then crashing and coming to a complete stop.  ***  Oh wait, that’s the update on the situation in Congress.

4.      The Supreme Court has just agreed to hear a copyright infringement case regarding the 1963 movie “Raging Bull.”   ***   Now, don’t get that confused with what’s happening in Congress, which is “political bull.”

5.      Apple has replaced Coca-Cola as the most valuable brand in the world.  ***  In fact, the Apple brand is so popular they’ve even named a fruit after it.

6.      According to a study by QSR magazine, fast food drive thru’s are 8 seconds slower than last year.  One reason is an increased emphasis on customer satisfaction by making sure the order is correct.  ***  Yeah, Americans really hate getting fat on the wrong food.

7.      Government employees furloughed by the shutdown at agencies like NASA were allowed to come into work for half a day to set up “out of office” e-mail replies and voice mail greetings.   ***   SPACECRAFT:  “Houston, we have a problem.”  NASA:  “This is Houston.  We can’t come to the phone right now. Please leave a message.”

8.      “The Butler” is no longer tops at the box office.  ***   Because of the government shutdown, the ending has been changed. Now the butler is declared “non-essential” and he leaves the White House after telling the president to “get your own damn coffee.”

9.      The Senate is proposing legislation that would limit the NSA’s ability to monitor phone calls.   ***   So, now when you phone someone you may get a message saying, “Hi. This is the NSA. We’re sorry, but we can’t record your call right now...”

10.    More than half of all British airline pilots recently surveyed say they have fallen asleep during flights.   ***  The scary part is that they usually woke up because the co-pilot was snoring.

Friday, Sept 27, 2013

1.      The FAA may allow some electronic device usage during take-offs and landings, such as reading e-books or watching videos.  ***  Of course, that’s only for the pilots.

2.      A zoo in England has banned visitors from wearing animal print clothing, such as leopard or zebra, because it can confuse or scare the animals.  ***  For the same reason, zoo personnel cannot be heard referring to older women as “cougars.”

3.      Wal-Mart is gearing up for the holidays.  The good news:  Store officials said this will result in 50,000 more seasonal jobs.  ***  The bad news:  All the positions are at the factories in China.

4.      Voters in Switzerland overwhelming defeated a proposal to end the military draft and a second proposal to do away with the army all together.   ***  And no one was more pleased with the outcome than the manufacturer of Swiss Army knives.

5.      Standard & Poor’s Rating Services has increased Harley-Davidson’s credit rating.  ***  Amazing.  All it took was one friendly little visit by a local motorcycle gang.

6.      At the airport in Paris, French police seized more than a ton of cocaine that was stashed in 30 suitcases on a flight from Venezuela.  ***  Now, that’s a good example of how crime doesn’t pay.  With 30 suitcases, the extra baggage fee was greater than the street value of the drugs.

7.      In order to fund new programs Harvard is asking for $6.5 billion in donations.   ***   And President Obama is saying, “Gee, why didn’t I think of that!”

8.      At a meeting with unemployed workers in Sardinia, Pope Francis said the world economy can no longer be based on “a god called money.”   ***   Or as some people call him: “The Donald.”

9.      Police in Michigan arrested four magazine salesmen who carjacked a man at a grocery store and then stabbed someone during a robbery.   ***  You know, I remember when it was bad enough just having them knock on your door.

10.    Ty Warner, the creator of Beanie Babies, has agreed to pay a $53 million fine for not paying taxes on income he earned in an offshore bank account.   ***  Federal prosecutors initially became suspicious that Warner had money stashed offshore when his company came out with the new Mitt Romney Beanie Baby.

Friday, Sept 20, 2013

1.      At a Spanish festival this week a huge bull named “Vulcano” gored a photographer.  ***  See, even bulls hate the paparazzi.

2.      According to former NSA and CIA director Michael Hayden, Google’s Gmail has become the preferred method of communication for terrorists around the world.   ***   In fact, now when you access Gmail a computerized voice says, “You’ve got threats.”

3.      A Dutch company has come out with an “ethical smart phone.”  The metal content is sourced from conflict-free mines, the factory workers are paid a living wage, and a portion of each sale is contributed to an organization for cell phone recycling.   ***   But don’t worry--you can still use the phone to lobby against raising the minimum wage, order products made with child labor, and check on your investments in Iran. (And then toss the phone into a lake when you get a new one.)

4.      According to a recent poll, on the average, Americans believe the perfect age is 50, but it differs by region.  It’s 47 in the West, 50 in the Midwest, 51 in the South, and 53 in the East.   ***  So, that’s good news:  You can be the ideal age for 7 straight years—you just have to move around a lot.

5.      The world’s smallest horse, which is about two feet tall, was stolen from a horse show in Italy.  Police trying to find the valuable animal are searching high and low.   ***   Well, low anyway.

6.      Eight days after her wedding, a woman in Glacier National Park had second thoughts about her marriage and pushed her husband off a cliff.   ***  I didn’t catch her last name, but I’m guessing “Kardashian.”

7.      Al Qaeda leader Aymen al-Zawahri is urging numerous small-scale attacks in the United States in order to destroy the American economy.  ***  Well, I’ve got a message for Al Qaeda: Hey guys, we can do that just fine by ourselves, OK? (We don’t need any help!)

8.      Krispy Kreme plans to supplement its wholesale business by selling more freshly baked donuts directly out of its own retail stores.   ***   In fact, they say the donuts will be so fresh that they’re guaranteed to make it to your waist and hips while they’re still warm.

9.      Russian officials are warning of a catastrophe if North Korea restarts an old plutonium reactor.  ***  They said if the North Koreans go ahead with their plan Vladimir Putin will immediately launch a devastating op-ed piece in the New York Times.

10.    According to the Hurun Wealth Report, during the past year the number of billionaires in China has increased from 251 to 315.   ***   Great!  Now we can borrow even more money!

Friday, Sep 13, 2013

1.      It’s been five years since the collapse of Lehman Brothers, which precipitated the financial crisis, but according to the Center for Public Integrity, Richard Fuld, Lehman’s CEO at the time, has still not issued any sort of apology.   ***  Actually, he did try to send out an apology, but the investment banking version of Spellcheck does not recognize the word “sorry.”

2.      Apple has just introduced two new iPhones with different price points.  ***  The model 5C has the lower price, so I assume the “C” stands for “Cheap.”  The 5S is more costly, so I assume the “S” stands for “ ‘Spensive.”

3.      According to a survey by Insurance.com, 44% of women say they swear in front of their children while driving, while only 30% of men confess to the same behavior.  ***  Actually, the mens’ number went up to 98% once they were shown a list of  all the words that were considered swearing.

4.      In spite of some people doubting her accomplishment, long distance swimmer Diana Nyad is adamant that she swam the 110 miles from Cuba without assistance, kept her rest stops within guidelines...***...and maintained her morale throughout the ordeal by smoking good Cuban cigars.

5.      According to the United Nations’ second annual World Happiness Report, the United States is the 17^th happiest country on earth.  ***    Although we expect to move up at least two spots if we don’t have to bomb Syria.

6.      Pope Francis has spoken out against plans to bomb Syria’s military facilities.  And in related news, Syrian rebel fighters briefly captured an historic Christian town.   ***  I believe it’s called the Vatican.

7.      The Department of Health in Washington D.C. is proposing a 24 hour waiting period for tattoos so customers will have time to consider their decision.  ***  And the tattoo shops will have time to run their designs through Spellcheck.

8.      Patients in two New England Hospitals have been warned that they may have been exposed to “mad cow” disease.   ***  Actually, they should have been concerned when they saw heifers in the ER.

9.      A woman in Tennessee stole $5,000 from her boyfriend and hid it in her rectum.   ***   Now she’s looking for one of those money laundering operations.

10.    Scientists say they have discovered vast underground supply of water in the drought stricken country of Kenya.  That’s an amazing discovery.

            ***  That’s like finding peace in the Middle East
            ***  That’s like finding modesty in Hollywood
            ***  That’s like finding a shy bone in Miley Cyrus
            ***  That’s like finding accountability in Congress
            ***  That’s like finding a birth certificate in the White House
            ***  That’s like finding Anthony Weiner with his zipper up
            ***  That’s like finding Edward Snowden...anywhere

Friday, Sept 6, 2013

1.      In order to promote more human interaction, Wyoming Catholic College has banned all cell phones as well as computer access to social networking sites.   ***   Officials there felt all that high tech stuff was getting out of hand when the students started praying by texting God.

2.      Scientists say the most effective way to get astronauts to endure a nine-month trip to Mars is to keep them in a state of hibernation until they arrive.   ***  And then they’ll be awoken by a little green Martian tapping on their window.

3.      Fast food workers across the country are striking for a higher wage, although restaurant owners say it would result in increased prices.   ***  So, when you order a hamburger the server will ask, “Can you afford fries with that?”

4.      Fast food workers across the country are striking for a higher wage, although restaurant owners say it would result in increased prices.   ***  But, don’t worry;  President Obama is going to take care of that with legislation he calls “The Affordable Fries Act.”

5.      In Sudlersville, Maryland, the military accidentally dropped a practice bomb in the parking lot of Darlene’s Tavern.  ***   Well, that certainly takes the “Happy” out of Happy Hour. 

6.      A Long Island man who legally changed his name to Santa Claus has been summoned for jury duty.  ***  He and the other jurors will need to determine if the defendant is “naughty” or “nice.”

7.      John Kerry says the evidence of global warming is “undeniable and alarming.”   ***  And he said it’s only going to get worse if we don’t stop it by bombing Syria.

8.      President Obama wants to attack Syria to halt that government’s use of weapons of mass destruction.   ***  Of course, the President has his own weapons of mass destruction.  They’re called “economic advisors.”

9.      Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel was told to sit out the first half of the season opener after NCAA officials found out he had been selling autographs.   ***   They figure 30 minutes will give him enough time to finish selling a few more and take care of this year’s tuition.

10.    According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 9 million Americans take prescription pills to sleep better at night.   ***   Everyone else just avoids reading the news.